One by one hidden up my sleeve.

I went through my jewelry bag tonight. It’s not something I ever seriously considered going through and purging. I wear almost none of it, but a lot of it holds sentimental value. But tonight I started going through it and it felt good to purge it of myself.

I threw out a quarter of it and packed up another quarter to sell or donate. And the rest is separated into moments of time or memory. One day I may even go through it again and find less to hold onto.


Step out of line.

I thanked Chris for not projecting onto me his feelings toward my dad, when my dad is in the middle of a psychotic episode.

I prefaced that it was a ridiculous thing to thank someone for. At the same time, it’s the experience I am familiar with when it comes to my family. This is what my ex husband taught me. So five years into this relationship and it still disarms me that he is supportive and non-judgmental and doesn’t lump me with my kin. Doesn’t shame me for where I come from and who my parents are or how much I care for my friends.

A couple months into dating Chris I spent the night with an ex boyfriend in the emergency room. I took him to the emergency room actually. The next day I was telling Chris about it, and I was kinda nervous. He didn’t understand why. He said I was helping a friend. That it was a good thing. An admirable thing. It was one of the things he loved about me. And my brain couldn’t wrap around it. Instead of insinuating I did it for sex or that my ex was just doing it to get in my pants, here was a man who appreciated my goodness.

Five years later and I’m still not used to it. Five years of goodness later and the shittiness of my 10 year relationship with my ex-husband still comes to mind first. Not always, but often. I wonder sometimes if one day it won’t.

Replace the need with love.

I just spent some time laying on my left side. I haven’t been able to lay on my left side since late 2015 when I was pregnant. This is kind of a big deal.

I started my IT band stretching two weeks ago. I had intended on a solid twice a day, but “done over perfect” will have to suffice. I usually do them once a day. I was called a “fucking hero” for this once a day business, and, for whatever reason, this has spurred me to do them daily with less stompiness. Strangest thing what a correctly placed string of words can do.

A week ago I started doing one set of exercises while laying on my right side. Tonight I laid in bed on my left side for about 45 minutes. It was conscious effort. It was a bit like being upside down. And I’m not sure quite what my organs thought of gravity from that direction. I believe it is all for the good tho. Funny enough, my left shoulder is screaaaaming at me for laying on it. That’ll take some getting used to.

Also today my big toes both still hurt like crazy. Worst day yet. But I feel stronger and able and like I’m finally not squandering my body. I’m doing good.

I know it’s late, so please forgive my persistence.

I did my stretches tonight even tho I didn’t want to. Yesterday was go go go from 7am til after midnight. I couldn’t bear a second day of not making time for them.

New record for squats. Two weeks ago I could barely pull off seven. Today I hit three sets of ten. That feels pretty fucking stellar.

And a week ago I started one set of stretches where I lay on my left side. I took it slow and it was still pretty excruciating. Tonight that didn’t hurt at all. Progress is progress. I’m just going to keep at it, even if I have to stubbornly stomp my way through it every time.

Won’t let anyone dirty get through.

I have routines and rhythms that have become second nature to my day. Except a week and a half ago I tripped through my life a little, and I’m still trying to regain my balance.

Almost two months ago I thought I had a UTI. It provided the oomph I needed to start drinking ten cups of water a day. Being hydrated is amazing.

A week and a half ago I started incorporating stretching into my day. Twice a day. That also was amazing. Hard, but amazing. In the course of 72 hours,  it so quickly jumped from twice a day to once to none at all and, talented as I am, I managed to let the water go with it.

I can’t allow that to happen. I should be using my talent for good.¬†Stretching and water are non-negotiable. So I came here to write it out to remind myself who I need to be to reach my goals.

I can see inside you.

The best thing about having a parent with mental illness is that you are always given opportunities to practice “rolling with the punches” and navigating disappointment and creating new, non-heartbreaking, but also honest, ways to explain to your kids why once again someone failed to show up for them.

First, it was me trying to navigate a visit with less than a week’s notice. I gotta say, I kicked ass in that department. I rallied the troops, made roses out of cat poop and turned all that gray into sunshine. And now here I sit. He’s three and a half hours late, with his phone turned off. No word. He could be injured or wounded or dead, but 38 years of experience tells me he’s just sick.

Every day I hear you call.

This weekend wraps up week 20 of 2018. One of the goals I created for myself in January with Journey Junction was to read 52 books in 52 weeks. Last year I’m pretty sure I could count on one hand how many books I read. It was the year of Netflix and disconnect. It was what it was–I don’t have any ill feelings about it. At the same time, that’s not where I was in January and I wanted more for myself.

So I made goals for the year. <Insert hilarity here because I need to go look up the the goals I made.>

So my fb group bio tells me I was concentrating on self love, family, mindfulness, whole30, decluttering and 52 books in 52 weeks. Suddenly today, at week 20, looking back on week 1, those all seem lofty and vague. And yet, I know I’ve had tangible progress in each of those areas, which I’m sure I’ll chronicle here at some point soonish.

I finished my 19th book today. It was a heavy read and took almost 5 weeks of coming back to to finish. But I liked it and I felt a strange connection to it.

More important tho! I ordered book #20 and it should be here tomorrow and I haven’t been this excited about a book in a while. It’s from an author whose blog I’ve read.¬† This chick is inspiring and strong (physically and mentally) and remarkable and she’s breaking barriers. I unapologetically fangirl over her. This is a woman who does with words, what most wouldn’t even think to consider. I feel smarter reading her thoughts and ideas and perception of the world. The words she chooses and the way she strings them together is literary art. I made the mistake of reading the online free sample of her book and now I have to wait for more and it’s heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’m itching for the quiet downtime come Sunday night.