All the pandemonium and all the madness.

I think I just need to suck it up and accept that in this moment of my life, I’m in a place of needing to vent. It’s not my intention to complain. And amidst the everything I remain ever grateful.

At the same time, fucking hell. It is hard right now. And every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m met with clique-yness and exclusion.

And homelife is rough right now. I simultaneously feel like I’m on autopilot and trying soooo hard to keep everything even and progressing and accomplished.

I’m really proud of myself that I’ve kept so much clean since August. This is pretty unprecedented. But gosh it takes a lot of effort.

And then my husband, who is navigating a plethora of illnesses and injuries, seems to be sabotaging my evenings. He’s not meaning to. I don’t take it personally. It just adds an extra weight.

And I’m so tired.

Onward I want to go though. Today I successfully completed day two of my Whole30. I feel like I’m doing it alone. But if alone is how it is, I’ll accomplish it anyway.

For now, sleep.

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Another demon that devours our time in Eden.

I am so lonely. Like embarrassingly lonely. I don’t know how to fix it. Because at this point I feel desperate for a friend. Desperate never looks good on anyone. And desperate isn’t really my norm. So, I feel entirely stuck. And striking up a new friendship with someone as we bond over my desperate loneliness? Well…..I don’t want that relationship to stagnate on lonely, and yet…evolving from that hole would be a miracle of epic proportions.

So. I remain stuck in the loneliness.

I hear it calling.

Eating kept not happening today. Or I’d eat, but we didn’t have protein. So it was an egg, but no red meat of substance. Or I’d eat, but not have time to make anything. So it was frozen vegetables, but no coconut oil. So I came in super under on carbs (and this was even after adding in the chia crackers and extra butter. Recipe tomorrow.) and super high on carbs. Even if net was just 25. No matter. I got through another day.

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1316 calories 27 fiber

Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scalr victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

Don’t underestimate my point of view.

I didn’t post yesterday. I started my day tracking like usual. Then I didn’t eat enough before going grocery shopping, which is fine, except I bought chocolate chips for Chris and allowed myself to think I could have some. It wasn’t my finest idea. And then instead of having 3/4 of a serving, I had three. Maybe four. I’m not sure. Then I made the decision to not track anymore.

I’m glad I made that decision. It was a good fit. Today I went back to eating regular. I meant to track, but by the afternoon, I hadn’t entered anything yet and I knew my numbers were good. So I decided to just let it be.

I didn’t log anything today. I can’t think of a single thing I ate today that would have undermined my numbers. I did have a probiotic kefir water thing. The carbs on it were like 12, but even with that, it was whatever.

I feel really great about today. And before I sleep, I’ll have had my water intake.

This afternoon/evening had shit moments. My boy is becoming increasingly more apathetic about school and most days just freaking refuses to do work that he is very capable of. And it just so completely frustrates me. So I went out with the babe and my daughter and got some downtime and it was really rejuvenating. Then home was dinner and then I got to actually be productive with cleaning. I’m hoping I can get the table cleared off tomorrow. Nothing would make me happier than clean surfaces in the kitchen. One surface at a time. I will accomplish that this week.

For now sleep! Good night beautiful loveys.

I looked into your eyes and saw a world that does not exist.

Food is food is food. I don’t really have anything to add.

I changed my caloric goal on myfitnesspal today. I’ve been eating under 1600 calories a day for a week. Except yesterday. I wanted to make sure it was a good fit before I changed it.

Today I went to see my friend who is trained in diastasis so that she could check me. She said it’s not really that bad. There’s an area that’s two finger widths, but the rest is fine. And at my belly button, it goes deep, instead of wide, but it was kinda in the middle between good and bad and so easily fixable too. She told me not to worry about taking the workshop. She gave me some good exercises to do to open my chest a little bit and strengthen my core and also some stretches and spinal alignments to do on the foam roller. I’ll look up exercises for obliques because that’s supposed to help too.

This morning with food was really good. This afternoon felt a lil rough at points, and dinner could have turned into something unnecessary, but I navigated and I’m proud of the choices I made. Now I just need to get more water in me before 10pm each night.

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1457 calories 16 fiber