The less I seek my source for some definitive.

Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.

I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.

I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.

But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.

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1561 calories 14 fiber

I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.

It holds me down away from you.

I started the skeleton for this post like two hours ago. Uploaded pictures. Captions. Categories. Tags. And then I just didn’t feel like writing. My little one has been so amazingly asleep since 7:45pm, and that would have been great sleep for me. Hell, being asleep now would be great sleep for me. But instead, here I am awake.

I feel a heavy obligation to write something of substance tonight, yet substance eludes me.

I ate a lot of food today. Well, a lot of calories. My daughter asked me to show her again how to make 90 second bread. I was so excited to share with her. But then it became more and more obvious she was intending on making this for me. Eventually she came in with this chocolate covered almond 90 second bread. It was delicious, but not what I had intended on or expected for macros. But god, her sweet face. And I don’t even care.

Also, I weighed myself today. No change from last weekend.

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Same as last week, plus a dog.

I’ve had some nsv. More patience. Functioning better even on little sleep. My feet haven’t hurt as much, tho they still hurt.

This week I’m going to focus on more vegetables when I’m hungry. The fat does me good and then I don’t have to worry about spiking protein. Also, I need to nix chocolate chips. I finished the almond butter last week and can never get it again. No sense keeping triggering foods around the house.

Macros are decent. Just excessive.

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1865 calories 23 fiber

Alright. I’m passing out. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day I write substance.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.

14 ways of tearing up the past.

Today was better than yesterday. For a moment I thought it wouldn’t be. I woke up at 5:30. The babe was all latchy. I ended up giving up on sleep around 7:30. But then my husband–my most amazing and glorious husband–played with the baby and I got to clean! Unbridled and unattached for over an hour!! I got so much accomplished, I could cry.

The rest of the day was decent. I was slacking in patience with my son. This happens sometimes, I guess.

I woke up super thirsty. I didn’t drink enough yesterday. I drank a bunch today. Didn’t eat as much. I don’t mind the ebb and flow.

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1106 calories 11 fiber

Sleep now. I’m very tired. And tomorrow I have a brunch!

Jimmy.

Today was great. Until today when I made a thing I was extremely excited to. And then they tasted extremely good. And then I had a second one.

Oh good lord I don’t recommend this. They seemed so innocent. But nope. And suddenly my low calorie day jumped away. And my great protein numbers flew after them.

And honestly, I couldn’t care less about the numbers. I just hope I don’t puke. ‘Cause it’s over three hours later and I’m still not certain I’ll keep it down. They were so deceiving!

Okie. On to the numbers so I can sleep.

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1923 calories 10 fiber

So carbs were fine. Fat was good. Protein was high. Live and learn.

The recipe is a good recipe. I tweaked it in MFP to make it more eater friendly. I’ll post about it tomorrow after Take 2.

To the nines.

Today was good. And then this evening I let food get the better of me a bit. I’d imagine if I took cashews out of the mix today, my numbers would look cleaner.

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1717 calories 11 fiber

I ate a good amount of calories. Which I’m trying to do here and there for the nursing. Net carbs were at exactly 40. They are all fine numbers in any other eating. But right now the baby is finally settled after an hour and a half of not. I’m very exhausted and sad and I don’t know what. So I don’t feel as great about the day as I generally would.

I bought a few new hoodies today. Two zip up and one pullover. All of mine were either tattered to shreds or don’t fit anymore. It’s nice to have some clothes that fit, even if I had to get them because all my others don’t.

Eight little things.

I have this random piercing pain on my right side. I think it’s probably my ovary, but I dunno.

I think the little boy maybe doesn’t do well with dairy. He has been so cranky and crabby. So starting today I stopped with the dairy except for Kerrygold and heavy whipping cream. So far it seems to suit him better.

I made bone broth with chicken feet. It’s really fucking gross.

Today I took a hot shower. Halfway through, the hotness I am always craving just wasn’t comfortable, so I lowered it and the cool water felt better. I used to be like that all the time with showers–loving the coolness–but when I stopped eating clean, hot showers couldn’t get hot enough.

On the contrary, before I started eating clean back in 2010, I was always hot. Eating clean I was always freezing cold. The last year or so I’ve been not as frigid, now I’m so damn cold all the time again.

I decided today that I’m going to eat a banana each day. My poo was just a little too irregular. Today I had one and a half. It made my carbs high. 40ish, I think.

I’ve been having leg pain the last couple days. The right side. Hip to toes. It started as this ache just above my ankle bone. I’ve taken one motrin a day to take the edge off. It’s excruciating.

And now my favorite of the eight. Today was weight check day.

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6.4 lbs lost!!!!!

I’m excited to see scale movement. I haven’t been below 200 pounds since August or September. And after an entire month of whole30, I only lost a few pounds. So this feels like the start of something really great.

Also, I got to update myfitnesspal and their graph image makes it look like I lost hundreds of pounds. Haha. It was good for some amusement.

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Cliff dropping loss! Hahah.

Now onto the macros. Despite screenshotting the picture before I started typing this and having everything updated and perfect, I just went back to make sure I remembered my calories correctly and now the numbers are all different. Super weird. I can’t find anything off tho. So…I dunno. The new numbers are below.

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1628 calories 10 fiber

The numbers are decent. I won’t/can’t/choose not to sweat it.

But now sleep. Because I’m so damn tired.