One by one hidden up my sleeve.

I went through my jewelry bag tonight. It’s not something I ever seriously considered going through and purging. I wear almost none of it, but a lot of it holds sentimental value. But tonight I started going through it and it felt good to purge it of myself.

I threw out a quarter of it and packed up another quarter to sell or donate. And the rest is separated into moments of time or memory. One day I may even go through it again and find less to hold onto.

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Just a spoonful of sugar.

I’ve had this since I was 17 years old. It equally haunts and comforts me. I keep it in the same plastic sleeve as Josh’s printed art.

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If you need me, me and Neil’ll be hangin’ out with the dream king.

I don’t know how to not be chipper. I mean,  *obviously* I’m not chipper all the time. But I’m chipper most if it. And I wonder how often people are like “oh god, not her again”.

I certainty don’t want to be the annoying person. I don’t want to be the thing that creates tension for others. Also I’m certainly not going to go *against* who I am to fit into a victim culture I abhor. At the same time it makes connecting with people…tricky.

I want to bring positivity where doldrum lies. I want to shread sunshine into the darkness. Hell, I’d settle for reasonable and logical!

I’m sure there are people somewhere who would prefer the contagion of happiness than the drowning of despair, but alas I have not found them yet.

I am firmly planted in reality as well. It’s not sunshine and roses spewing from a unicorn’s asshole all of the time. There are things that trip me up. I suffer from paralyzing anxiety and I have bouts of suffocating depression and rage-inducing pms. I’m no more immune to any of these things as anyone else. But I navigate through them and make my way back to me.

It wasn’t always like this. Feeling terrible used to be my norm. But I clawed my way out of that and I’m proud damnit.

So I’ll take the connection with myself and be patient until I find my people.

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Time is all the luck you need.

Sometimes I remember to take space to acknowledge how far I’ve come. I stop for a moment and reflect on my evolution as a human being. Today I honor that:
• I don’t spend days, months, years being a martyr.
• I find genuine joy in little things all day long.
• I respect my body enough to not eat the foods that cause it pain.
• I never talk ill of myself.
• I’m practicing letting it be okay that others are in another place on their evolution journeys and that their progress is their own, and also none of my business.

Strong as the oceans and I couldn’t explain why.

I was just reminded of a time that a less evolved me was genuinely afraid at the loss of herself, for whenever I finally did evolve.

I would refer to myself in the third person to differentiate between the me that I was and the me I wanted to get to.

I wasn’t in a good place at the time. I was desperate to not feel so stuck. I was desperate to feel like I had control of my life. I was desperate to find my voice. Yet I was terrified for the me that would disappear, would get left behind, would be forgotten.

I was shrouded in sadness at the impending loss of her. That she, in some quasi alternate universe would be all alone. Every day I was mourning for her and I was overcome with such grief that I couldn’t evolve from her.

I was listening to a seminar on responsibility and accountability and moving away from victim mentality and I so greatly wanted that life, yet was devastated that in order to have it, a part of me essentially had to die. I pictured it as a scared child on a playground and just. walking. away. from her at her most vulnerable. I pictured personal growth as having two sides and one of them was tragedy.

I’m not sure when the black and white of it all calmed. Not focusing on every micromanaged thought helped. Focusing on what I would gain helped. I’m sure it would have helped too had I thought to consider that I could take the girl with me, instead of leaving her behind. And I suppose I did consider it. But it wasn’t an option. It was too heavy a burden to bear.

Of course, in the end, I did take her with me. You can’t just leave yourself behind. It takes a lot of personal growth to figure that part out.

Bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls.

I don’t have that *one* friend. The friend who I’m always there for and who is always there for me. The friend who I can bitch to for like five minutes and then she can promptly dismiss it and I can go back to being my regularly chipper self. And vice versa. And I want her to have a chipper self! I want her to know and live (like I do) truth and positivity.

But I don’t have that. And each day it wears on me.