Your horizon takes its shape.

A couple weeks ago when I was feeling all bingey, a sponsored link appeared on my fb newsfeed about binge eating and freeing yourself from it. There was some webinar, I think. I signed up for it because I was curious. Not because there is any one cure all somewhere, but because it had the feel that it could provide a spark of information striking me at just the right time to propel me somewhere.

That’s all recovery is for me. One opportunity propelling me to the next while I figure out all the meat of the in between. The in between is forward and backwards and progress and stagnation. That’s where all the hard work happens. That’s where my results are. In the long term.

But those short term propellings…that’s what allows for the good stuff.

So I signed up. And then promptly didn’t go to the webinar and haven’t read any of the emails. I see the titles of the emails every day and think “I’ll get to that.” But at the moment Sarah Rentfro provided my last propelling and so I’ve been riding that one.

This morning I skimmed through some of the emails. It was all about how you don’t have to avoid foods and deprive yourself of *living* in order to be rid of your binge eating disorder. Embrace it! And just join this free class or this one-on-one session. And within three days you’ll be rid of bingeing. And you’ve never done it this way before and that’s why recovery has never happened!

And I don’t doubt that works for some people. I don’t even doubt that some people have long term success with it. It’s just not my success. And it makes me wonder, too, how many people *aren’t* feeling success because they’re eating foods that make them feel terrible. And when you feel terrible, you want to eat comfort foods to feel less terrible.

But I digress.

My point is that a) there’s no “right” way; you have to search (even when there’s no end in sight) for what works, and oftentimes what works doesn’t work permanently because we are ever-changing in body and mind b) avoiding foods that trigger you isn’t the worst thing you can do; no one would ever tell an alcoholic that the best way they can overcome their addiction is by drinking in moderation; “just two shots a day–you’ve got this!” c) there’s no time limit; even if one day you consider yourself completely recovered, something could happen in your life to knock you down; no one is absolved from disordered thinking, not even someone who has never experienced it before d) there’s going to be an ebb and flow; there’s going to be a symbiosis between the natural ebb and flow and the amount of practice you put in; the sooner you can practice learning to accept that, the more enjoyable living will be e) [and this was the missing piece for me]–it doesn’t matter what effort you put in toward the food; the issue isn’t the food.

For me, because I could never speak for someone else, somewhere tucked deep into my psyche and hidden far in the depths of memory, flowing even into muscle memory, lived the dwarfed parts of myself that, for whatever reason–neglect, abuse, lack of attention–didn’t (couldn’t) grow into their own. So while I did alllllll the other work I just mentioned, I simultaneously spent time, not only *finding* those parts of me, but also unlocking their doors to give them the opportunity to connect and be free.

What I learned too is that finding the door or the key or even unlocking the door doesn’t necessarily change anything. It’s a start for sure, but then there’s more work to be done. The teaching yourself that you can be trusted and that you have value and worth and that you’re going to make mistakes and that the mistakes don’t negate the worth. Over and over and over. Until you learn that it’s the showing up. It’s the practice.

At least it is for me. This has been *my* recovery. So no email telling me I can cure my eating disorder in three days by “embracing” food can sway me from the truth I’ve clawed my way to find.

Advertisements

A room where it’s nine in the afternoon.

I always pictured having a daughter that I connected with. Somehow I thought we’d defy the norm and hormones and adolescence and we’d have a connection.

I seriously underestimated hormones and adolescence.

There is a connection–don’t get me wrong. It’s probably often our similarities that keep us from being closer. Keep her from being close to me. But then again, it’s the similarities that she, at 14, cannot see that keep her distant. Being a teenager is hard.

One day, given the chance to think of me as a human instead of just her mom, I think she’ll really like me. I mean…she’ll still roll her eyes at my corniness, but deep down I think she’ll like me.

I can picture all that today.

From now on…

I want to skip Christmas this year. It sounds so stupid to say. It’s over two months away and I already want to absolve myself of it.

Mostly I just want to skip out on the presents. I want each of us to get something we really want and then be done with it. No overflow of boxes under the tree. No last minute additions. No toys that go unused after 24 hours. No money squandered.

This year just an order of ornaments and one thing each and a couple family games.

Good luck* to me…

 

 

*ha. Like I believe in luck. I just need the follow through.

Open up the door.

Sometimes I blank out on things that I should know. Like I’ll picture telling someone where I live, but I’ll say my hometown instead of the city I’ve lived in for the last 12 years. And then I realize I’ve inputted the wrong one, and it’ll take me a good 10 to 15 seconds to pull the actual name of where I live out of my brain.

This happens at least once or twice a month.

Occasionally I’ll blank on my kids’ birthdays too. But mostly it’s just the hometown thing. It’s the wrong city thing. It’s the blip of a place for 12 years thing. It’s 10 seconds of panic that I don’t know where I am.

Requiem for a skyline.

I need more accountability right now than usual. There was a time that would have driven me crazy. Today I’m okay with it. Far more than I’ve ever been before. Which feels really nice in regard to progress.

So, lunch.

20181012_130859

I am incredibly fortunate that, for the most part, I’m happy to eat vegetables and protein and some fruit. I enjoy the taste of healthy food and I don’t find eating this way monotonous.

That being said, I’m also pretty good at falling away from it. I need my body to heal though, more than anything else right now. So I’m doing whatever it takes to give that to myself. Even if that means writing here this often.