I didn’t post yesterday. I started my day tracking like usual. Then I didn’t eat enough before going grocery shopping, which is fine, except I bought chocolate chips for Chris and allowed myself to think I could have some. It wasn’t my finest idea. And then instead of having 3/4 of a serving, I had three. Maybe four. I’m not sure. Then I made the decision to not track anymore.
I’m glad I made that decision. It was a good fit. Today I went back to eating regular. I meant to track, but by the afternoon, I hadn’t entered anything yet and I knew my numbers were good. So I decided to just let it be.
I didn’t log anything today. I can’t think of a single thing I ate today that would have undermined my numbers. I did have a probiotic kefir water thing. The carbs on it were like 12, but even with that, it was whatever.
I feel really great about today. And before I sleep, I’ll have had my water intake.
This afternoon/evening had shit moments. My boy is becoming increasingly more apathetic about school and most days just freaking refuses to do work that he is very capable of. And it just so completely frustrates me. So I went out with the babe and my daughter and got some downtime and it was really rejuvenating. Then home was dinner and then I got to actually be productive with cleaning. I’m hoping I can get the table cleared off tomorrow. Nothing would make me happier than clean surfaces in the kitchen. One surface at a time. I will accomplish that this week.
I wanted food all day today. I don’t really know what that was about. It was a sort of boredom. In part with something insatiable. In part with some actual hunger. I dunno. It was strange.
I weighed myself this morning. Sunday. The scale was even more wonky than normal. I couldn’t get an accurate read on it. Eventually I just took the last set of reads.
I bought a new scale today so I don’t have to deal with the aggravation again. For now I’m down two pounds, after a gain and then nothing for two weeks. And a week of 1600 calories or fewer.
That’s almost 12 pounds in just over a month. It’s nothing to laugh at. It’s good numbers technically. But even still there’s a sense of disappointment. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up or veering from the path. But still. I feel feelings about it.
Foodwise today, I worked really hard to not backpedal my progress. Mentally, more than physically. I just want to stay aware, even when I can’t quite be present.
I went over in calories today. That’s okay. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. That’s okay. I made muffins I didn’t love. That’s okay too. Chris loved them. It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good day. Filled with some tough navigational moments. I’m good with that.
Today was Family Day! We’ve been talking about everyone taking off of work and school for over a year now, but never managed to execute it. When we moved into the house we said we’d do it once a month. That didn’t much work. But we’re in a better place to commit to it now. That feels amazingly good.
Today was fun. I made good food choices, although a few were spontaneous and maybe not the best choices, but they were *my* choices and I feel good about that.
There was something I was going to write about today. I’ve been trying to remember what it was for the past hour. I’m still at a loss. So, macros and bed instead, I suppose.
1424 calories 12 fiber
Whenever my carbs are up, it’s because I had some banana.
Oh! I made a fat head pizza tonight for my husband. I wasn’t going to have any. But then damnit. It had me in its grasp. So I decided on one piece and even told my husband that I didn’t want more than that and to remind me I don’t want any if I try to do otherwise.
But even with just one piece of pizza, I got all bloated and…I dunno. My tummy was hard and thick feeling. So…just no more pizza for me. And that’s alright. Chris confided too that fat head pizza isn’t a good idea for him either because it’s so triggering. I don’t want it to be triggering for him either, but truth be told, the safety in numbers feels nice.
I can’t express how much it means to me to be able to do this with Chris. I’ve always done it on my own. And I can do it. But, fuck, I am so thankful to not be alone this time.
Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.
I love today.
This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.
Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.
At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.
And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.
There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.
Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.
I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.
I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.
But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.
1561 calories 14 fiber
I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.
Our bed was full last night. Usually it’s pretty full with me, my husband and the baby. Sometimes the dog. Last night we had two dogs. And a 9 year old boy. Ooof.
The 9 year old slept flush against the left side of my left leg. With his head on my thigh. The dog slept against the same leg on the opposite side with his head on my shin. It was a long night.
It was also a long day. Day three of the babe not much napping. The extra dog we were watching (and hoping to adopt) wouldn’t stop growling and barking at our bearded dragon. And our dog wouldn’t stop forcing himself on the girl dog.
I made the house safe this morning by putting the chocolate chips in my daughter’s backpack. She was none the wiser and I was safe from trigger foods. And I feel good about the gaps of downtime between means. Still tho I ate over 2,000 calories today and that’s not going to get me where I want.
Today was better than yesterday. So I guess I’m on a pretty productive upswing. I almost said fuck it and didn’t log my dinner and lunch today. But then I decided that would be kinda lame. I don’t want to be all about the numbers all the time, but a) I’d like to have accurate and complete info through January and b) I want to have accountability while I’m still feeling a bit in a funk.
So I logged my food and then was thankful because I realized something important. I’m eating this way to feel healthy. But I can’t feel healthy at this weight. So even if I’m eating healthy, I’m not going to feel healthy enough.
Once February comes, I’m going to reassess calories. I know I can’t lose weight at 1700-1900 calories a day, even with the healthiest food. And my breastmilk supply seems good, except on days that I don’t drink enough. Recently too I’ve realized I’m not drinking quite enough and on days that there’s less water, there is usually more food. So…there’s that too.
But January first. February when it gets here.
1915 calories 20 fiber
I’m starting to learn how to keep my protein low. Or within a good range at least. That was never easy for me, so the fact that I’m accomplishing this makes me feel especially successful. Today it feels like that piece of the puzzle is clicking for me.