All the pandemonium and all the madness.

I think I just need to suck it up and accept that in this moment of my life, I’m in a place of needing to vent. It’s not my intention to complain. And amidst the everything I remain ever grateful.

At the same time, fucking hell. It is hard right now. And every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m met with clique-yness and exclusion.

And homelife is rough right now. I simultaneously feel like I’m on autopilot and trying soooo hard to keep everything even and progressing and accomplished.

I’m really proud of myself that I’ve kept so much clean since August. This is pretty unprecedented. But gosh it takes a lot of effort.

And then my husband, who is navigating a plethora of illnesses and injuries, seems to be sabotaging my evenings. He’s not meaning to. I don’t take it personally. It just adds an extra weight.

And I’m so tired.

Onward I want to go though. Today I successfully completed day two of my Whole30. I feel like I’m doing it alone. But if alone is how it is, I’ll accomplish it anyway.

For now, sleep.

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Don’t underestimate my point of view.

I didn’t post yesterday. I started my day tracking like usual. Then I didn’t eat enough before going grocery shopping, which is fine, except I bought chocolate chips for Chris and allowed myself to think I could have some. It wasn’t my finest idea. And then instead of having 3/4 of a serving, I had three. Maybe four. I’m not sure. Then I made the decision to not track anymore.

I’m glad I made that decision. It was a good fit. Today I went back to eating regular. I meant to track, but by the afternoon, I hadn’t entered anything yet and I knew my numbers were good. So I decided to just let it be.

I didn’t log anything today. I can’t think of a single thing I ate today that would have undermined my numbers. I did have a probiotic kefir water thing. The carbs on it were like 12, but even with that, it was whatever.

I feel really great about today. And before I sleep, I’ll have had my water intake.

This afternoon/evening had shit moments. My boy is becoming increasingly more apathetic about school and most days just freaking refuses to do work that he is very capable of. And it just so completely frustrates me. So I went out with the babe and my daughter and got some downtime and it was really rejuvenating. Then home was dinner and then I got to actually be productive with cleaning. I’m hoping I can get the table cleared off tomorrow. Nothing would make me happier than clean surfaces in the kitchen. One surface at a time. I will accomplish that this week.

For now sleep! Good night beautiful loveys.

Both sides now.

I bought a new scale and it sucks. My dog ate through the box and I can’t return. I think I threw away the receipt anyway. Now I have to go to the store and buy the nicer, more expensive one.

All of this is to say, so be it. Things happen. They don’t always go your way. They don’t always go as expected. That’s life.

Today my husband got an amazing job offer. An offer he’s been waiting for for two months. But really it’s been two years. Also he started a side project a couple months ago and he released his first wave of products last week. They are getting unprecedentedly positive reviews. He’s being compared to people who have years and years of experience and expertise. This is after a single attempt on his part. Also my baby boy cut his first tooth today, and although it’s been coming, he has mostly been entirely unfazed, instead of screaming in pain.

This is all to say, so be it. Things happen. Sometimes they go your way. Sometimes it’s entirely unexpected. That’s life.

Sunshine. I’m beginning to like this.

Today was Family Day! We’ve been talking about everyone taking off of work and school for over a year now, but never managed to execute it. When we moved into the house we said we’d do it once a month. That didn’t much work. But we’re in a better place to commit to it now. That feels amazingly good.

Today was fun. I made good food choices, although a few were spontaneous and maybe not the best choices, but they were *my* choices and I feel good about that.

There was something I was going to write about today. I’ve been trying to remember what it was for the past hour. I’m still at a loss. So, macros and bed instead, I suppose.

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1424 calories 12 fiber

Whenever my carbs are up, it’s because I had some banana.

Oh! I made a fat head pizza tonight for my husband. I wasn’t going to have any. But then damnit. It had me in its grasp. So I decided on one piece and even told my husband that I didn’t want more than that and to remind me I don’t want any if I try to do otherwise.

But even with just one piece of pizza, I got all bloated and…I dunno. My tummy was hard and thick feeling. So…just no more pizza for me. And that’s alright. Chris confided too that fat head pizza isn’t a good idea for him either because it’s so triggering. I don’t want it to be triggering for him either, but truth be told, the safety in numbers feels nice.

I can’t express how much it means to me to be able to do this with Chris. I’ve always done it on my own. And I can do it. But, fuck, I am so thankful to not be alone this time.

We spotted the ocean.

Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.

I love today.

This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.

Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.

At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.

And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.

There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.

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1482 calories 7 fiber

Today is another one.

Our bed was full last night. Usually it’s pretty full with me, my husband and the baby. Sometimes the dog. Last night we had two dogs. And a 9 year old boy. Ooof.

The 9 year old slept flush against the left side of my left leg. With his head on my thigh. The dog slept against the same leg on the opposite side with his head on my shin. It was a long night.

It was also a long day. Day three of the babe not much napping. The extra dog we were watching (and hoping to adopt) wouldn’t stop growling and barking at our bearded dragon. And our dog wouldn’t stop forcing himself on the girl dog.

I made the house safe this morning by putting the chocolate chips in my daughter’s backpack. She was none the wiser and I was safe from trigger foods. And I feel good about the gaps of downtime between means. Still tho I ate over 2,000 calories today and that’s not going to get me where I want.

I drank plenty of water at least.

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2072 calories 10 fiber

It holds me down away from you.

I started the skeleton for this post like two hours ago. Uploaded pictures. Captions. Categories. Tags. And then I just didn’t feel like writing. My little one has been so amazingly asleep since 7:45pm, and that would have been great sleep for me. Hell, being asleep now would be great sleep for me. But instead, here I am awake.

I feel a heavy obligation to write something of substance tonight, yet substance eludes me.

I ate a lot of food today. Well, a lot of calories. My daughter asked me to show her again how to make 90 second bread. I was so excited to share with her. But then it became more and more obvious she was intending on making this for me. Eventually she came in with this chocolate covered almond 90 second bread. It was delicious, but not what I had intended on or expected for macros. But god, her sweet face. And I don’t even care.

Also, I weighed myself today. No change from last weekend.

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Same as last week, plus a dog.

I’ve had some nsv. More patience. Functioning better even on little sleep. My feet haven’t hurt as much, tho they still hurt.

This week I’m going to focus on more vegetables when I’m hungry. The fat does me good and then I don’t have to worry about spiking protein. Also, I need to nix chocolate chips. I finished the almond butter last week and can never get it again. No sense keeping triggering foods around the house.

Macros are decent. Just excessive.

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1865 calories 23 fiber

Alright. I’m passing out. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day I write substance.