Both sides now.

I bought a new scale and it sucks. My dog ate through the box and I can’t return. I think I threw away the receipt anyway. Now I have to go to the store and buy the nicer, more expensive one.

All of this is to say, so be it. Things happen. They don’t always go your way. They don’t always go as expected. That’s life.

Today my husband got an amazing job offer. An offer he’s been waiting for for two months. But really it’s been two years. Also he started a side project a couple months ago and he released his first wave of products last week. They are getting unprecedentedly positive reviews. He’s being compared to people who have years and years of experience and expertise. This is after a single attempt on his part. Also my baby boy cut his first tooth today, and although it’s been coming, he has mostly been entirely unfazed, instead of screaming in pain.

This is all to say, so be it. Things happen. Sometimes they go your way. Sometimes it’s entirely unexpected. That’s life.

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On to the next.

I wanted food all day today. I don’t really know what that was about. It was a sort of boredom. In part with something insatiable. In part with some actual hunger. I dunno. It was strange.

I weighed myself this morning. Sunday. The scale was even more wonky than normal. I couldn’t get an accurate read on it. Eventually I just took the last set of reads.

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I bought a new scale today so I don’t have to deal with the aggravation again. For now I’m down two pounds, after a gain and then nothing for two weeks. And a week of 1600 calories or fewer.

That’s almost 12 pounds in just over a month. It’s nothing to laugh at. It’s good numbers technically. But even still there’s a sense of disappointment. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up or veering from the path. But still. I feel feelings about it.

Foodwise today, I worked really hard to not backpedal my progress. Mentally, more than physically. I just want to stay aware, even when I can’t quite be present.

I went over in calories today. That’s okay. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. That’s okay. I made muffins I didn’t love. That’s okay too. Chris loved them. It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good day. Filled with some tough navigational moments. I’m good with that.

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1705 calories 23 fiber

All I want to be is the minute that you hold me in.

I had such a perfect day. The baby woke up at 5am. And it was one of the few and far days where Chris slept in (til 6:30). Then the babe and I went back to sleep. Eventually we were all up again and even eventualier after that, we went shopping for shoes and new workout threads and random householdiness. And crickets for the beardrd dragon.

Dinner was this perfectly cooked steak. So damn good.

I’m gonna pass out now, so macros.

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1454 calories 12 fiber

Sunshine. I’m beginning to like this.

Today was Family Day! We’ve been talking about everyone taking off of work and school for over a year now, but never managed to execute it. When we moved into the house we said we’d do it once a month. That didn’t much work. But we’re in a better place to commit to it now. That feels amazingly good.

Today was fun. I made good food choices, although a few were spontaneous and maybe not the best choices, but they were *my* choices and I feel good about that.

There was something I was going to write about today. I’ve been trying to remember what it was for the past hour. I’m still at a loss. So, macros and bed instead, I suppose.

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1424 calories 12 fiber

Whenever my carbs are up, it’s because I had some banana.

Oh! I made a fat head pizza tonight for my husband. I wasn’t going to have any. But then damnit. It had me in its grasp. So I decided on one piece and even told my husband that I didn’t want more than that and to remind me I don’t want any if I try to do otherwise.

But even with just one piece of pizza, I got all bloated and…I dunno. My tummy was hard and thick feeling. So…just no more pizza for me. And that’s alright. Chris confided too that fat head pizza isn’t a good idea for him either because it’s so triggering. I don’t want it to be triggering for him either, but truth be told, the safety in numbers feels nice.

I can’t express how much it means to me to be able to do this with Chris. I’ve always done it on my own. And I can do it. But, fuck, I am so thankful to not be alone this time.

We spotted the ocean.

Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.

I love today.

This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.

Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.

At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.

And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.

There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.

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1482 calories 7 fiber

The less I seek my source for some definitive.

Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.

I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.

I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.

But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.

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1561 calories 14 fiber

I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.

All good things must come to an end.

Ahh, day 31. In just a couple short hours, February will be upon us. The month blinked by. Except for the days that snailed.

I feel good about the month. I feel good that I stuck with it. I feel good that I stayed keto, but didn’t tear myself up if I didn’t stay within calories for losing weight. The nursing comes first and this month was just an experiment to make sure keto was compatible with keeping my supply at a good level. I’m happy to say I’m happy with the results. The only days my supply seemed to dip is when I didn’t drink enough water.

I didn’t lose weight like I would have hoped. But 10 pounds is nothing to shrug off either. It’s weight I would otherwise still be carrying. Only 10 pounds means I could still safelt feed my baby. Priorities.

For February, my goal is to keep my calories closer to 1500. And water. And meals instead of grazing.

All in all I’m content with my progress.

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1527 calories 9 fiber