I’m kinda stuck with all this feeling and I can’t share it in the outlets I’d normally share because it seems like everyone else is feeling feelings. Except doom isn’t attached to my feelings.
I’m not ready to call it quits or think I’m failing or a failure. Nothing like that. It’s just tough today. I ate entirely too much food today. It was too disordered. I don’t feel good about it.
And I don’t know why I did it. I was so proud of myself this morning. I had an appointment and I wasn’t anxiety ridden or paralyzed. I did it and I got there early and it was easy and then it was done. But I got home and even though I was within keto and macros, I ate a lot of food. I didn’t even think to attribute it to anything. I noted that I didn’t want to stop eating. But didn’t note anything further.
I wish I could have paused. I wish I could have chosen to eat a pickle and armed myself with something that may have curbed the cravings. I wish I had the tools–had used the tools–to see it and face it and get through it in the moment.
And I didn’t. So I’m frustrated. And all day, in all my keto groups, people having been saying how they gained weight this past week or went off plan for a meal. A day. A weekend. A week. How it’s not working. How they don’t want this anymore. But I do.
When I created this blog, I wanted it to be a neutral place I could come to talk about whatever. I feel like so far I only talk about keto. All things considered that’s not really a bad thing. It feels nice that I haven’t had to talk things out too much. Soon though. I have a list of things I need to get on and anxiety pauses me too often. For now, sleep. It’s late.
I made fathead pizza today! With pesto. It was so good. The crust was still just a tad bit more cheese than bread, but it is a nice substitute. I’m interested in seeing the other ways I can use the bread. Also I made a new fat bomb today. Something I’ve never seen anywhere. Recipe tomorrow!
1679 calories 20 fiber 4 sugar alcohols
I feel good about my calories and my macros and my water intake (90-100oz a day, on average). Weigh in is tomorrow. Numbers are always interesting. I just wish I’d feel better soon. And that my ribs didn’t constantly feel like they are pulling apart. Okay-real sleep now.
Today was really great. I think my favorite part is that my husband has started keto too. This is something that I never expected to witness. I’m still trying to not get too excited, but holy fuck it makes me so happy. Not for the company, although I love it. But for the chance for him to see what his body is truly capable of eating so clean. For the inflammation and the pain to decrease (or subside entirely). For the risk of autoimmune diseases to not weigh so heavy on him. For energy in abundance and lifted fog and clarity. For no more fear of diabetes. For confidence and general feelings of goodness. Oh my god. I’m so excited for him. And I’m excited too because I don’t think he eats enough and proper nourishment will be amazing for him.
For me, I’m excited for a weekend. There’s great weather and I’ve been cleaning the basement and productivity feels amazing.
I feel good about today’s choices. No chocolate. No baked goods. Eating when hungry. A couple times I was really hungry by the time I ate. That felt good. It felt even better that when I was hungry I didn’t snack. I patiently made a meal and didn’t stuff my face with food while I made food. It didn’t even cross my mind to. I only just now thought about how differently I used to eat.
1327 calories 10 fiber
My macros were pretty today.
I was thinking earlier about all the things I miss about weighing less, being more fit, and eating clean for an extended period of time.
I miss squishy tummy skin and slender fingers. I miss bony wrists and veiny feet. I miss my clavicle.
More than those things I miss pain free days. I look forward to pain free days.
I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.
I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.
And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.
And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.
And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!
1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol
Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.
And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.
A girl named Nicole said she was having a rough time and was going to fast for 24 hours. It inspired me to just do fat for dinner (and some vegetables) and forgo protein, which I’ve been high on recently. This decision feels really good. I’m hoping a not too high protein day will help food tomorrow. Also, I can’t be doing almond butter. It’s too delicious and too triggering. But this is all about finding what works.
1595 calories 18 fiber 4.5 sugar alcohols
I had the Lily’s chocolate chips today. It was my first venture with erythritol and stevia. Impressive. I’m not much for artificial sweeteners. Just like almond butter, I won’t be able to have this much. But I like that it’s an option.
I’m finished with food today. That feels good too. Gonna put my kids to sleep and then sleep too.
I didn’t want food or water today for a while. And then suddenly I had bacon and it triggered desire to eat. And I finally drank water after two days of it sounding gross.