Replace the need with love.

I just spent some time laying on my left side. I haven’t been able to lay on my left side since late 2015 when I was pregnant. This is kind of a big deal.

I started my IT band stretching two weeks ago. I had intended on a solid twice a day, but “done over perfect” will have to suffice. I usually do them once a day. I was called a “fucking hero” for this once a day business, and, for whatever reason, this has spurred me to do them daily with less stompiness. Strangest thing what a correctly placed string of words can do.

A week ago I started doing one set of exercises while laying on my right side. Tonight I laid in bed on my left side for about 45 minutes. It was conscious effort. It was a bit like being upside down. And I’m not sure quite what my organs thought of gravity from that direction. I believe it is all for the good tho. Funny enough, my left shoulder is screaaaaming at me for laying on it. That’ll take some getting used to.

Also today my big toes both still hurt like crazy. Worst day yet. But I feel stronger and able and like I’m finally not squandering my body. I’m doing good.

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I know it’s late, so please forgive my persistence.

I did my stretches tonight even tho I didn’t want to. Yesterday was go go go from 7am til after midnight. I couldn’t bear a second day of not making time for them.

New record for squats. Two weeks ago I could barely pull off seven. Today I hit three sets of ten. That feels pretty fucking stellar.

And a week ago I started one set of stretches where I lay on my left side. I took it slow and it was still pretty excruciating. Tonight that didn’t hurt at all. Progress is progress. I’m just going to keep at it, even if I have to stubbornly stomp my way through it every time.

Every day I hear you call.

This weekend wraps up week 20 of 2018. One of the goals I created for myself in January with Journey Junction was to read 52 books in 52 weeks. Last year I’m pretty sure I could count on one hand how many books I read. It was the year of Netflix and disconnect. It was what it was–I don’t have any ill feelings about it. At the same time, that’s not where I was in January and I wanted more for myself.

So I made goals for the year. <Insert hilarity here because I need to go look up the the goals I made.>

So my fb group bio tells me I was concentrating on self love, family, mindfulness, whole30, decluttering and 52 books in 52 weeks. Suddenly today, at week 20, looking back on week 1, those all seem lofty and vague. And yet, I know I’ve had tangible progress in each of those areas, which I’m sure I’ll chronicle here at some point soonish.

I finished my 19th book today. It was a heavy read and took almost 5 weeks of coming back to to finish. But I liked it and I felt a strange connection to it.

More important tho! I ordered book #20 and it should be here tomorrow and I haven’t been this excited about a book in a while. It’s from an author whose blog I’ve read.  This chick is inspiring and strong (physically and mentally) and remarkable and she’s breaking barriers. I unapologetically fangirl over her. This is a woman who does with words, what most wouldn’t even think to consider. I feel smarter reading her thoughts and ideas and perception of the world. The words she chooses and the way she strings them together is literary art. I made the mistake of reading the online free sample of her book and now I have to wait for more and it’s heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’m itching for the quiet downtime come Sunday night.

For all this.

Time tick tocked by like time does and here we are. Five days of medicine behind us. Five days of four hour delays for feeding my littlest. Five days of random, mostly innocuous side effects. And now it’s finished.

I’ve also had five days of stretches. Five days of getting stronger. Five days of increased duration of stretches. Five days of increased mobility. I can’t quite tell any difference in the regular day to day things, but I’ve gained marked improvements in the stretches themselves. 10 seconds became 30. 7 squats became 2 sets of 8. Chris says he has noticed a difference. I’m just gonna keep doing them and see where the progress takes me.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

Today is the eight year anniversary of everything changing. Each year I want the day to not exist. I mean…kinda. I still want anything to change. I still want the life I have now. I just wish I didn’t have to experience that moment and the subsequent months after. I wish it didn’t have to feel so raw and out of control and disabling. I didn’t know when I stood up for myself that night that I’d have to do it over and over and over again in the coming years.

I’m glad it happened. I just wish it hadn’t needed to come to that.

Time is all the luck you need.

Sometimes I remember to take space to acknowledge how far I’ve come. I stop for a moment and reflect on my evolution as a human being. Today I honor that:
• I don’t spend days, months, years being a martyr.
• I find genuine joy in little things all day long.
• I respect my body enough to not eat the foods that cause it pain.
• I never talk ill of myself.
• I’m practicing letting it be okay that others are in another place on their evolution journeys and that their progress is their own, and also none of my business.

For all the reasons you had to die.

It was the most interesting food day. The last couple days have been laced with hard moments and redirecting disordered thoughts and not entertaining disordered eating. I’m being really intentional with my desire to create new comfort habits. Monday and Tuesday I felt successful in my endeavors. At the same time, it took a lot of effort.

Today I was antsy. There was a pulsing to the day. I got hungry early (9ish instead of 11 or 12) and so I had breakfast. Then later I just wanted snack food. Something not “whole foods” sounded good. I gave myself permission to have comfort food because comfort sounded good. I appreciate my commitment to not relying on comfort food to manage stress and anxiety, (and there’s always potential for not reading yourself quite right), but I’m pretty sure comfort food just sounded good today because it’s good.

I did something different today than I’ve done in the past when comfort food sounded good. I said, “Okay! Some foods compromise my body and my health. I won’t have those “relatively harmless” foods. That meant staying grain free and crap oil free.

At the store, they didn’t have Rx bars, so I got jerky sticks. Yeah, sugar was in the ingredients list, but it was barely a gram for two sticks. They hit the spot. I got a couple bars from the next store and ate both on them, without guilt. And then after I finished, I…was just finished.

No binge ensued. No negative thoughts. I had a weird ass snacky snack and I was done.

I have to say, I don’t recall experiencing this ever at all. In the past, these sorts of things were a downward spiral. A dark abyss. The start of uncontrol. Today, it was like pfft, whatever.

Wanna know the kicker? I still wasn’t hungry at dinnertime. So I made food for everyone and we all sat down and I didn’t eat a thing because not hungry! And I was comfortable!! No one tried to push me to eat and I didn’t feel weird while everyone else did. It was just all good that I followed my own cues and listened to my body. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t.

Being exactly who I am and enjoying it was hands down my favorite thing about today.