Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scalr victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

Sunshine. I’m beginning to like this.

Today was Family Day! We’ve been talking about everyone taking off of work and school for over a year now, but never managed to execute it. When we moved into the house we said we’d do it once a month. That didn’t much work. But we’re in a better place to commit to it now. That feels amazingly good.

Today was fun. I made good food choices, although a few were spontaneous and maybe not the best choices, but they were *my* choices and I feel good about that.

There was something I was going to write about today. I’ve been trying to remember what it was for the past hour. I’m still at a loss. So, macros and bed instead, I suppose.

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1424 calories 12 fiber

Whenever my carbs are up, it’s because I had some banana.

Oh! I made a fat head pizza tonight for my husband. I wasn’t going to have any. But then damnit. It had me in its grasp. So I decided on one piece and even told my husband that I didn’t want more than that and to remind me I don’t want any if I try to do otherwise.

But even with just one piece of pizza, I got all bloated and…I dunno. My tummy was hard and thick feeling. So…just no more pizza for me. And that’s alright. Chris confided too that fat head pizza isn’t a good idea for him either because it’s so triggering. I don’t want it to be triggering for him either, but truth be told, the safety in numbers feels nice.

I can’t express how much it means to me to be able to do this with Chris. I’ve always done it on my own. And I can do it. But, fuck, I am so thankful to not be alone this time.

We spotted the ocean.

Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.

I love today.

This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.

Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.

At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.

And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.

There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.

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1482 calories 7 fiber

All good things must come to an end.

Ahh, day 31. In just a couple short hours, February will be upon us. The month blinked by. Except for the days that snailed.

I feel good about the month. I feel good that I stuck with it. I feel good that I stayed keto, but didn’t tear myself up if I didn’t stay within calories for losing weight. The nursing comes first and this month was just an experiment to make sure keto was compatible with keeping my supply at a good level. I’m happy to say I’m happy with the results. The only days my supply seemed to dip is when I didn’t drink enough water.

I didn’t lose weight like I would have hoped. But 10 pounds is nothing to shrug off either. It’s weight I would otherwise still be carrying. Only 10 pounds means I could still safelt feed my baby. Priorities.

For February, my goal is to keep my calories closer to 1500. And water. And meals instead of grazing.

All in all I’m content with my progress.

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1527 calories 9 fiber

The excuse that I use when I want to stop trying.

Today was better than yesterday. So I guess I’m on a pretty productive upswing. I almost said fuck it and didn’t log my dinner and lunch today. But then I decided that would be kinda lame. I don’t want to be all about the numbers all the time, but a) I’d like to have accurate and complete info through January and b) I want to have accountability while I’m still feeling a bit in a funk.

So I logged my food and then was thankful because I realized something important. I’m eating this way to feel healthy. But I can’t feel healthy at this weight. So even if I’m eating healthy, I’m not going to feel healthy enough.

Once February comes, I’m going to reassess calories. I know I can’t lose weight at 1700-1900 calories a day, even with the healthiest food. And my breastmilk supply seems good, except on days that I don’t drink enough. Recently too I’ve realized I’m not drinking quite enough and on days that there’s less water, there is usually more food. So…there’s that too.

But January first. February when it gets here.

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1915 calories 20 fiber

I’m starting to learn how to keep my protein low. Or within a good range at least. That was never easy for me, so the fact that I’m accomplishing this makes me feel especially successful. Today it feels like that piece of the puzzle is clicking for me.

Next set of tens.

Today was really great. I think my favorite part is that my husband has started keto too. This is something that I never expected to witness. I’m still trying to not get too excited, but holy fuck it makes me so happy. Not for the company, although I love it. But for the chance for him to see what his body is truly capable of eating so clean. For the inflammation and the pain to decrease (or subside entirely). For the risk of autoimmune diseases to not weigh so heavy on him. For energy in abundance and lifted fog and clarity. For no more fear of diabetes. For confidence and general feelings of goodness. Oh my god. I’m so excited for him. And I’m excited too because I don’t think he eats enough and proper nourishment will be amazing for him.

So yay!

For me, I’m excited for a weekend. There’s great weather and I’ve been cleaning the basement and productivity feels amazing.

I feel good about today’s choices. No chocolate. No baked goods. Eating when hungry. A couple times I was really hungry by the time I ate. That felt good. It felt even better that when I was hungry I didn’t snack. I patiently made a meal and didn’t stuff my face with food while I made food. It didn’t even cross my mind to. I only just now thought about how differently I used to eat.

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1327 calories 10 fiber

My macros were pretty today.

I was thinking earlier about all the things I miss about weighing less, being more fit, and eating clean for an extended period of time.

I miss squishy tummy skin and slender fingers. I miss bony wrists and veiny feet. I miss my clavicle.

More than those things I miss pain free days. I look forward to pain free days.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.