Simon says: Daaamn girl!

I was just in the kitchen for almost an hour. Taking meat off a chicken soup chicken. And then putting together lunch for my husband tomorrow. And I kept thinking, “I could eat any of this.” But none of it was appetizing. Because I’m just not hungry right now.

That’s huge. For anyone who knows what it’s like to have a binge eating disorder, you know hunger is not a usual factor in the decision making process.

Glennon Doyle Melton has a theory. She comes from an addiction background too. She says when you’re having thoughts, that’s always the addiction talking to you. If you just feel it and there is no talk, that’s God. (Or your higher power or whatever you call it.) But it’s not the disease. The disease is a talker.

And that’s what it felt like in the kitchen. It felt like not the disease. It felt so unbelievably good to have the quiet. I will revel in that for as long as I possibly can.

I’m about halfway through my Whole30 and this is what today feels like:

I got this.

“This” doesn’t look any particular way, except compliant.

One day compliant can feel like more starches, while another day compliant means mindfulness needs to take a backseat.

Every day is about forgiveness and moving on.

With a newborn, it’s okay that sometimes coffee is a substitute for sleep. But not two days in a row.

I couldn’t do this without support.

Advertisements

Simon says : Sometimes sleep is impossible.

I did finally get some sleep. After being up all night Tuesday, I got the most amazing hour and a half of sleep Wednesday morning. It doesn’t sound like much, but what it lacked in quantity, it more than made up for in quality.

Then last night, despite going to bed a bit late and then Baby Thing waking to eat a couple times, I eventually got a solid three and a half or so hours. It’s taking its toll on me though. Everything feels just a little off. A little too…much.

I made good food choices today. And I made good eating choices. It hurts though. It’s mentally taxing and physically painful to keep choosing not to eat when I’m not hungry. I know it’s in part the devastating lack of sleep. But I know it’s the eating disorder too. I haven’t had disordered thoughts today–I’ve ignored them all so far. I never let them have voices. But I feel their presence nonetheless. And I’m tired.

I ate at…I dunno…5 maybe? And I ate plenty. But I never stopped being hungry. I never stopped wanting just a little more. It’s almost 10pm now and I’m wrestling my options. I don’t want another night of eating way too late for comfort. But also it’s been five hours since I last ate and the next meal seems too far away if I don’t eat now.

And there it is. Because no matter how reasonable that is, it’s the eating disorder talking. So I’ll just sleep instead. Goodnight Simon.

Simon says: Day 3

I’m pretty sure there’s only so many times a girl can wake up and have it be dark outside, so the last time the baby woke me, I just stayed up. Now it’s 8am. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. But I’m still doing this anyway!

I heated up food while the baby half yelled at me and then full on screamed at me. And then we snuggled and danced together until my food was cold again. Then I ate my breakfast with my fingers because I’m sick of nursing and needing to use my right hand to eat with a fork.

20160903_074124

This is my Whole30. It’s messy and it’s awkward and it’s not always fair. But it’s mine and I love it.

10pm
The Cat in the Hat took Baby Thing around 10 something this morning and I got to sleep a glorious couple hours. When I woke up I felt human again. I ate a meal around 1 and a snack around 4.

20160903_134032

Meal 2 (In non-distorted reality, this bowl is bigger than the plate below)

20160903_170554

Snack 1

While I could easily eat more fruit, I’m consciously limiting it to a small amount once or twice a day.

We left the house for a good few hours and upon getting home around 8, the baby wanted to eat and the husband wanted to eat and I was still satiated. I finally made and ate food close to 9:30. It’s later than I want to be eating, but also I stay up kinda late, so it evens out.

20160903_215911

The Cat in the Hat is doing his own version of Whole30. He’s not going for compliant, as much as just eating cleaner and mindfully. I like seeing him eat this way. He gets so freaking proud of himself and he feels so damn good and his sunshine warms me.

Day three felt really good. If I am completely underslept or don’t find ways to occupy my thoughts, I can see how I could go a little mad trying to find willpower. After I finished eating tonight, my brain was trying to find ways to justify having a couple apple slices. “I want something light and juicy.” “It’s a better last taste to have in my mouth.” “I won’t feel satiated until I have a little extra.” But I chose not to give those thoughts validity and soon enough, food time was over and eating something later seemed “too later” and no longer a part of dinner.

I feel really good about today. This Whole30 isn’t hard. It’s not easy–but it isn’t hard. It just feels like a good fit and that makes it entirely doable.

Looking at the Whole30 timeline, I was supposed to feel a hangover yesterday and today and want to kill everything tomorrow and the next day. No hangover. Dunno if it’ll ever surface. I don’t know if I’ll want to kill anything either. I don’t do gluten and didn’t overdose on crap before I started. I also drink a lot of water, and I eat starchy carbs at every meal to make sure I keep my breastmilk supply up. So…we’ll see how if the timeline is even something accurate for me or not.

Also, as I’m coming up on Day four, there’s a juvenile part of me that is just giddy about having a jumpstart on all the other Whole30’ers who aren’t starting their SeptemberWhole30 until the 5th. I’m not one for competition or comparing, but it feels good to be ahead, knowing I’ll also be finished first.

Simon says: Day 2

I’ve been up since 6:20am. Baby ate and then played in his bouncer. I got to snuggle in bed with Thing Two for a good long while. This warms my heart and today it’s the thought that fills my mind instead of entertaining the idea of snacking. Cause I’m underslept and exhausted and cranky, and snacking is the go to. But these 30 days are about building a healthier lifestyle and making good decisions for myself. This isn’t immediate gratification. This is big picture.

I wasn’t hungry enough to eat a whole meal when I first woke up, nor did I want to eat if it wasn’t a whole meal. I finally ate around 8:30. No electronics. But a fussy baby on my lap. I left one burger, but by the end of the meal, I was getting full and finished the potato anyway. My brain kinda went into panic mode and Baby Thing was screaming and, man, I can really see why no distractions is important for mindfulness.

20160902_082628

Now it’s 11am and I’m hoping the babe will sleep so I can pass out.

3pm
Babe didn’t want to sleep at 11:30, so I made food for myself and figured we’d go out after I ate.

20160902_120032

I couldn’t take all the exhaustion though and I chose to listen to netflix while I ate. After I ate, I made one last ditch effort for the baby to sleep. Hurray!! That finally did the trick! He finally passed out and we slept from 11:45ish til 2:45!!! What a relief!

Then I ate at 3:45.

20160902_154848

Around 6:30 the Cat in the Hat and I were going to go out. I made a small snack because I knew we’d be going out for a good few hours.

20160902_182741

I had almond butter on the apple slices.

We got back and I made dinner and finally ate again at 9:45. It’s our tradition to watch The West Wing and eat dinner and ice cream. I stayed mindful while eating and nixed the ice cream.

20160902_214509

I had a few moments today when I got a little antsy with food or wanted to snack or just was anxious in general and would have normally used food to quell that. I did what I had to do anyway though to be succussful. Bring on tomorrow!

Simon says: Day 1

It’s noon now. The day is going really well! I threw away some food this morning and made food for the day. I’d love to spend a solid hour cleaning everything out, but that’s just not within my power currently. So I’m just doing the best I can with what I have.

I had breakfast at 7:30. Palm and a half of protein. Cup or two vegetables. Half sweet potato. Couple teaspoons coconut oil.

20160901_072932

Thing Two said I need more pictures on my blog, so voila!

I ate mindfully. No phone. No netflix. No distractions. I left a burger and a handful of vegetables. I stopped eating when I started to feel full. It felt good to listen to my body.

Then I cleaned until Thing One came home. We chilled for a bit and then I dropped her at school.

I’ve been trying to keep busy today, which is next to impossible since Baby Thing has yet to nap today. At 11, when I started to feel hungry, I made myself food.

20160901_110544

Less is more.

It’s day one. I’m not overly confident or naively invincible. I’m just enjoying the good parts as I feel them.

5:15pm
Holy goodness!! Thing Baby slept from 1 til 5pm!!! I started getting hungry around 2pm and suddenly realized at 2:15 that that was appropriate and I should eat! So I had about as much as I had for my second meal. I forgot for a moment about mindfulness and started to get on netflix and then remembered and ate my meal quietly.

I’m trying to pay attention to the bites, but it’s hard still. My mind wanders. I make lists in my head and write out blog posts. I guide myself back to mindfulness when I remember too. 25% or so of the bites I’m remembering to think about texture and taste and appreciation of the food.

At dinner tonight, we sat as a family and talked about our days and what it means to be Whole30. Everyone loved dinner. It had been a really long time since we last had chicken.

20160901_182004

I added a handful of fruit tonight to break up the monotony of heavy foods.

Thing One and Thing Two and I went for a walk after dinner. It was nice just chilling with them while The Cat in the Hat stayed home with Baby Thing.

While the kids got ready for bed, I baked some chicken and potatoes for tomorrow. Around 10:30 I decided I need to eat a little bit before sleeping, otherwise tomorrow wouldn’t be all it’s cracked up to be. I need to navigate food carefully and I’m kinda sleep-deprived. I don’t want to risk getting all lightheaded while taking care of Baby Thing.

20160901_224919

I ate a couple bites of vegetables before remembering to take a picture.

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect first food day. One day down. This is a good fit.

Simon says: Let’s do this!

Today is finally here!!! I’m really excited to get started on this journey. The days leading up to now have had some anxiety. Some days I just wanted to be finished with the preparing and I wanted to jump into the doing. For the sake of transparency, I need to tell you that the preparing didn’t all get accomplished like it was supposed to.

I have an 8 week old baby who hasn’t enjoyed napping for the past four days. Who has kept me from cleaning out the pantry or gathering recipes or making shopping lists. This child has insisted on staying attached to me. Of nursing constantly. Of demanding my attention. Of stealing more time than I feel I can give. And so I’m not prepared.

That being said, I’m still in it to win. I’ll do it sleep-deprived and deflated. I won’t be defeated. It just makes it all a lot more challenging than I was expecting.

I’m going to go back to sleep soon (it’s 3am). And eventually the sun will make its appearance on this day. I’ll crockpot a meal and oven a meal and stove top a meal. And I’ll have some meat and vegetables and sweet potato.

I’ve been waiting for this Whole30 for weeks. Waiting for the moment that I could cut the tie to food addiction. Waiting for the moment to be free for 30 days. Here’s to simpler times and choices already made.  I’m excited to be on this path! One foot in front of the other now.

Simon says: Build your village.

They say it takes a village. I’m not really a people person. Step four of the Whole30 is to build a support team. This part is harder for me than following the food rules. I like the thought of the accountability, but currently I’m not a fan of the sharing. A few days ago, I told my friend that I’m planning this. That was easy. Today I told my husband and kids. That was harder. I don’t know why.

But doing this Whole30 is really important to me and skipping steps lacks commitment. If I want this, I have to suck it up. It’s only 30 days. When I decide what date I want to start, I’ll post it on facebook too. I don’t much facebook, but at least it’ll be “out loud” and out in the open.

I’ll also subscribe to the Whole30 Daily Newsletter and maybe post on their forum. I mentioned to the girls in my Mom Group that I was going to do a Whole30 soon. The villagey thing to do would be telling them my start date too.

Step three is commit. Get pumped, choose a start date, go public, take action. Seeing as I went through the effort of creating this blog, I’m committed to the idea. I’ll be more pumped as I get more sleep. Mom’ing a seven week old is often sleeplacking. I’m just happy I am posting today, even if it is after midnight now.

I haven’t decided if I want to start my Whole30 on September 1st or if I want to wait until the Monday SeptemberWhole30 special event on the 5th. Sleep might decide it for me.

Speaking of which….good night.