Strong as the oceans.

I was talking with a friend about health and fitness and fat loss stuff. He said that after surveying a great number of colleagues, there were only three people who could come up with clients or friends (one person a piece) who had had fat loss, kept it off for more than a year, and didn’t obsess about food.

Three people who had long term fat loss without obsessing about food….among hundreds of people.

Even in a relatively localized, informal survey that number is staggering.

The nutrition major in me ran through all the implications and theories and “holy crap”ness of it all. But that was quickly silenced because my next thought was to make it about me.

I wanted to reply that I’ve lost more than a fair amount of weight and kept it off. But then I had to reconsider. What does “without obsessing about food” really mean?

I try to be mindful about food. I’ve certainly had moments that I’ve obsessed about it. I’ve tried a lot of things over the last eight years to see what works–to find a good fit. I’ve had many a time floundering in the abyss of disordered thinking that centers around food to the point of drowning in it. That’s certainly not “not obsessing about food”.

Still tho, I got to thinking that I want to be number four on that list. I’m at a new place right now where I already have the food thing figured out. There’s low need for obsessing. This aligns nicely with the refocus I’ve been practicing. Filling my days with all the things instead of all things food, and mindfully nourishing and honoring my body.

One day I would like to say that I lost fat, kept it off, and wasn’t obsessed with food. It feels really reasonable. I’ve done the first two. I still have more fat I could lose, but it’s not my focus; it’s just the potential natural side effect of my goals. I have a picture in my head of what “not obsessed” could look like and I plan to be there in six months’ time.

Not perfection. Not all black and white. Not 100% of the everything. Not unforgiving. Not finding a different thing to be obsessed about. Just a timeline and a picture.

*I can understand how this can seem a bit counterintuitive. Aren’t I technically obsessing over this by trying to *not* obsess over it? Is that worth the risk? Does it count? How can I even measure it?

The answer is this: If I don’t think to think about it, I’m not obsessed. That’s all I’m going for.

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Won’t let anyone dirty get through.

I have routines and rhythms that have become second nature to my day. Except a week and a half ago I tripped through my life a little, and I’m still trying to regain my balance.

Almost two months ago I thought I had a UTI. It provided the oomph I needed to start drinking ten cups of water a day. Being hydrated is amazing.

A week and a half ago I started incorporating stretching into my day. Twice a day. That also was amazing. Hard, but amazing. In the course of 72 hours,  it so quickly jumped from twice a day to once to none at all and, talented as I am, I managed to let the water go with it.

I can’t allow that to happen. I should be using my talent for good. Stretching and water are non-negotiable. So I came here to write it out to remind myself who I need to be to reach my goals.

Every day I hear you call.

This weekend wraps up week 20 of 2018. One of the goals I created for myself in January with Journey Junction was to read 52 books in 52 weeks. Last year I’m pretty sure I could count on one hand how many books I read. It was the year of Netflix and disconnect. It was what it was–I don’t have any ill feelings about it. At the same time, that’s not where I was in January and I wanted more for myself.

So I made goals for the year. <Insert hilarity here because I need to go look up the the goals I made.>

So my fb group bio tells me I was concentrating on self love, family, mindfulness, whole30, decluttering and 52 books in 52 weeks. Suddenly today, at week 20, looking back on week 1, those all seem lofty and vague. And yet, I know I’ve had tangible progress in each of those areas, which I’m sure I’ll chronicle here at some point soonish.

I finished my 19th book today. It was a heavy read and took almost 5 weeks of coming back to to finish. But I liked it and I felt a strange connection to it.

More important tho! I ordered book #20 and it should be here tomorrow and I haven’t been this excited about a book in a while. It’s from an author whose blog I’ve read.  This chick is inspiring and strong (physically and mentally) and remarkable and she’s breaking barriers. I unapologetically fangirl over her. This is a woman who does with words, what most wouldn’t even think to consider. I feel smarter reading her thoughts and ideas and perception of the world. The words she chooses and the way she strings them together is literary art. I made the mistake of reading the online free sample of her book and now I have to wait for more and it’s heartbreaking. Needless to say, I’m itching for the quiet downtime come Sunday night.

Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scale victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

Don’t underestimate my point of view.

I didn’t post yesterday. I started my day tracking like usual. Then I didn’t eat enough before going grocery shopping, which is fine, except I bought chocolate chips for Chris and allowed myself to think I could have some. It wasn’t my finest idea. And then instead of having 3/4 of a serving, I had three. Maybe four. I’m not sure. Then I made the decision to not track anymore.

I’m glad I made that decision. It was a good fit. Today I went back to eating regular. I meant to track, but by the afternoon, I hadn’t entered anything yet and I knew my numbers were good. So I decided to just let it be.

I didn’t log anything today. I can’t think of a single thing I ate today that would have undermined my numbers. I did have a probiotic kefir water thing. The carbs on it were like 12, but even with that, it was whatever.

I feel really great about today. And before I sleep, I’ll have had my water intake.

This afternoon/evening had shit moments. My boy is becoming increasingly more apathetic about school and most days just freaking refuses to do work that he is very capable of. And it just so completely frustrates me. So I went out with the babe and my daughter and got some downtime and it was really rejuvenating. Then home was dinner and then I got to actually be productive with cleaning. I’m hoping I can get the table cleared off tomorrow. Nothing would make me happier than clean surfaces in the kitchen. One surface at a time. I will accomplish that this week.

For now sleep! Good night beautiful loveys.

We spotted the ocean.

Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.

I love today.

This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.

Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.

At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.

And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.

There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.

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1482 calories 7 fiber

The less I seek my source for some definitive.

Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.

I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.

I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.

But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.

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1561 calories 14 fiber

I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.