A pause where no stop is wanted.

I’m kinda stuck with all this feeling and I can’t share it in the outlets I’d normally share because it seems like everyone else is feeling feelings. Except doom isn’t attached to my feelings.

I’m not ready to call it quits or think I’m failing or a failure. Nothing like that. It’s just tough today. I ate entirely too much food today. It was too disordered. I don’t feel good about it.

And I don’t know why I did it. I was so proud of myself this morning. I had an appointment and I wasn’t anxiety ridden or paralyzed. I did it and I got there early and it was easy and then it was done. But I got home and even though I was within keto and macros, I ate a lot of food. I didn’t even think to attribute it to anything. I noted that I didn’t want to stop eating. But didn’t note anything further.

I wish I could have paused. I wish I could have chosen to eat a pickle and armed myself with something that may have curbed the cravings. I wish I had the tools–had used the tools–to see it and face it and get through it in the moment.

And I didn’t. So I’m frustrated. And all day, in all my keto groups, people having been saying how they gained weight this past week or went off plan for a meal. A day. A weekend. A week. How it’s not working. How they don’t want this anymore. But I do.

It’s just not easy today.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.

Simon says: Seriously? You drank coffee at 6pm?

Simon also says, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Oops. Heh.

Alright so I drank coffee. I had caffeine. It was late. It feels nice to feel clear for once though. No sleep fogs so much more than you realize. Caffeine is no substitute for sleep and I’ll sleep soon, but gosh this feels nice.

What feels nice too is that I’m really proud of my eating choices today! Yesterday left me feeling like I wasn’t quite living up to my best self. Mindfulness went by the wayside and it made me realize it wasn’t the first time. It was a slow ebbing of excusing old behavior.

I have been paying a lot of attention to hunger cues and trying to make sure I’m actually hungry before I eat a meal. But I started neglecting satiety cues and had begun eating more food after I finished what was on my plate. I don’t want to be doing that. I want to stay mindful.

I’m glad it happened though because it gave me the opportunity to nonjudgmentally bring myself back to my path. I self-corrected! And I did it without freaking out about it or sabotaging myself.

 

When I look back on these last 30 days I want to be proud of how far I’ve come. I want to have no regrets. I want to know that I was successful merely because I tried my best.

Saturday’s eating choices weren’t my best. I’m proud to say that today’s were.

I was talking to a friend this morning. My go-to for when I need a safe place to talk something out and then be able to just leave it there.

I was saying how I am having trouble with all the stops and starts of eating. Mostly the stops. I said to her that yesterday was not what I had wanted it to be. I said that in light of that,  I’m now being really vigilant and not eating once I finish eating what I originally take, but that I’m still a little stompy about it. Mostly because it’s frustrating that it’s so damn hard.

And it is. I would love to be able to do my Whole30 eating disorder free. The truth of the matter though is that I have an eating disorder and it goes where I go. That is today’s truth.

Today’s truth is also that that’s okay.

Truly.

It’s alright. I can live with that. I can navigate it. It is doable. The eating disorder is not bigger than I am. I was stompy about it earlier, but it was just a natural part of grieving. I readjusted and now I’m better than ever.

I appreciate that yesterday granted me the opportunity to practice today.

Goodnight all of my successful readers. May each of you be given opportunities to practice as well.

Simon says : Sometimes sleep is impossible.

I did finally get some sleep. After being up all night Tuesday, I got the most amazing hour and a half of sleep Wednesday morning. It doesn’t sound like much, but what it lacked in quantity, it more than made up for in quality.

Then last night, despite going to bed a bit late and then Baby Thing waking to eat a couple times, I eventually got a solid three and a half or so hours. It’s taking its toll on me though. Everything feels just a little off. A little too…much.

I made good food choices today. And I made good eating choices. It hurts though. It’s mentally taxing and physically painful to keep choosing not to eat when I’m not hungry. I know it’s in part the devastating lack of sleep. But I know it’s the eating disorder too. I haven’t had disordered thoughts today–I’ve ignored them all so far. I never let them have voices. But I feel their presence nonetheless. And I’m tired.

I ate at…I dunno…5 maybe? And I ate plenty. But I never stopped being hungry. I never stopped wanting just a little more. It’s almost 10pm now and I’m wrestling my options. I don’t want another night of eating way too late for comfort. But also it’s been five hours since I last ate and the next meal seems too far away if I don’t eat now.

And there it is. Because no matter how reasonable that is, it’s the eating disorder talking. So I’ll just sleep instead. Goodnight Simon.

Simon says: Day 4

Good morning day four. I got to greet you in the darkness again and watch you break into day. Translated, this means it’s 8am and I’m ready for a nap.

I just had breakfast. Leftover vegetables with some tiny potatoes and an egg with a side of burgers. I missed eggs. It’s good to have them again.*

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I’m gonna go back to mom’ing until I can nap. Then I’ll be golden for the day again.

1:30pm
The Cat in the Hat is my hero. ❤ I had the most ah-may-zing nap!! This could spoil me.

After being up for a bit, my appetite grew and I made this yummy lunch.

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Browning up/frying the baked potatoes like this is kinda heavy, but it’s nice every couple days. It feels like a treat, only in that I’m not depriving myself of heavy foods way. The rest of the time I’m greatly enjoying vegetables.

What I’m currently enjoying most is the freedom from not snacking. As someone who lives with an eating disorder, I have greatly appreciated the positive voices in my head. A thirty day commitment to the Whole30 currently trumps the disease. I ate the food within the protocol of the Whole30 for years and it served me well. It didn’t mute the disordered voices though and eventually it didn’t matter how clean I ate because I was still consuming so much food.

When I got pregnant in October of last year, I was so sick I couldn’t keep anything down. Eventually, threatening a hospital admission for dehydration, I started eating fruit again. That led to the slow reintroduction of everything except gluten, high fructose corn syrup and artificial sugars.

I needed to have that experience in my life. I hadn’t eaten sugar in over three years and, while I was good to never do it again, the thought of sugar may have one day consumed me. I didn’t want to risk eating it, but also I hated that that’s where my eating disorder had brought me. I didn’t want to live in fear anymore. And now I’ve consumed sugar. And it wasn’t my downfall. And it didn’t suddenly own me–not anymore than it did when I was denying it.

Having sugar and not labeling it as anything actually served to free me from it. At least I can say that about the last year-ish and for today.

The quantity of food is the thing I am focusing on now. The healing of that part of the disordered thoughts. The Whole30 is nice because it helps me not label anything. I’m just eating mindfully and honoring my hunger and satiety.

11pm
I had lunch at 4:30 and a snack at 6:15.

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I ended up leaving half the cashews.

Then I went for a walk with my husband and the babe. While it was technically just a walk, babywearing on that steep and hilly of a terrain is no joke.

We came home and had a late dinner and night again. After dinner, I had a small bowl of berries and  apple cubes, not pictured.

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The regular-ish sleep routine will start again when Thing One and Thing Two return tomorrow and school is back to normal.

*I may or may not have reacted not ideally to the eggs. I’ll try again tomorrow or Tuesday to see if I have the reaction again.