Replace the need with love.

I just spent some time laying on my left side. I haven’t been able to lay on my left side since late 2015 when I was pregnant. This is kind of a big deal.

I started my IT band stretching two weeks ago. I had intended on a solid twice a day, but “done over perfect” will have to suffice. I usually do them once a day. I was called a “fucking hero” for this once a day business, and, for whatever reason, this has spurred me to do them daily with less stompiness. Strangest thing what a correctly placed string of words can do.

A week ago I started doing one set of exercises while laying on my right side. Tonight I laid in bed on my left side for about 45 minutes. It was conscious effort. It was a bit like being upside down. And I’m not sure quite what my organs thought of gravity from that direction. I believe it is all for the good tho. Funny enough, my left shoulder is screaaaaming at me for laying on it. That’ll take some getting used to.

Also today my big toes both still hurt like crazy. Worst day yet. But I feel stronger and able and like I’m finally not squandering my body. I’m doing good.

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Won’t let anyone dirty get through.

I have routines and rhythms that have become second nature to my day. Except a week and a half ago I tripped through my life a little, and I’m still trying to regain my balance.

Almost two months ago I thought I had a UTI. It provided the oomph I needed to start drinking ten cups of water a day. Being hydrated is amazing.

A week and a half ago I started incorporating stretching into my day. Twice a day. That also was amazing. Hard, but amazing. In the course of 72 hours,  it so quickly jumped from twice a day to once to none at all and, talented as I am, I managed to let the water go with it.

I can’t allow that to happen. I should be using my talent for good.¬†Stretching and water are non-negotiable. So I came here to write it out to remind myself who I need to be to reach my goals.

For all this.

Time tick tocked by like time does and here we are. Five days of medicine behind us. Five days of four hour delays for feeding my littlest. Five days of random, mostly innocuous side effects. And now it’s finished.

I’ve also had five days of stretches. Five days of getting stronger. Five days of increased duration of stretches. Five days of increased mobility. I can’t quite tell any difference in the regular day to day things, but I’ve gained marked improvements in the stretches themselves. 10 seconds became 30. 7 squats became 2 sets of 8. Chris says he has noticed a difference. I’m just gonna keep doing them and see where the progress takes me.

All the simple things you revel in.

I didn’t realize how much I’d resent taking this medication. Not because it’s putting toxins in my own body, which I’m less than okay with as well. But because it keeps me from nursing my boy.

It’s only a four hour delay. It’s only for five days. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But it is. Because now suddenly I feel taken from him. Now I feel inferior to who I was yesterday. Now I feel poisonous to him. And that part really fucking sucks.

The optimistic side of me says “It’s giving me the opportunity to connect with him in new ways!” and “Now I can appreciate what I had been taking for granted!” and that’s all well and good (and true), but it doesn’t stop it from sucking.

So today I will honor the Silver Lining Girl (because damnit, how can you not?! She’s annoyingly infectious.) and I will also embrace the suck.

And L and I will do our regular Friday tidying and cleaning. And we’ll run to the window and wave when we hear the trash truck. And we’ll take a trip to the store for diapers. And I’ll make it a day that he doesn’t know was any different.

For all the reasons you had to die.

It was the most interesting food day. The last couple days have been laced with hard moments and redirecting disordered thoughts and not entertaining disordered eating. I’m being really intentional with my desire to create new comfort habits. Monday and Tuesday I felt successful in my endeavors. At the same time, it took a lot of effort.

Today I was antsy. There was a pulsing to the day. I got hungry early (9ish instead of 11 or 12) and so I had breakfast. Then later I just wanted snack food. Something not “whole foods” sounded good. I gave myself permission to have comfort food because comfort sounded good. I appreciate my commitment to not relying on comfort food to manage stress and anxiety, (and there’s always potential for not reading yourself quite right), but I’m pretty sure comfort food just sounded good today because it’s good.

I did something different today than I’ve done in the past when comfort food sounded good. I said, “Okay! Some foods compromise my body and my health. I won’t have those “relatively harmless” foods. That meant staying grain free and crap oil free.

At the store, they didn’t have Rx bars, so I got jerky sticks. Yeah, sugar was in the ingredients list, but it was barely a gram for two sticks. They hit the spot. I got a couple bars from the next store and ate both on them, without guilt. And then after I finished, I…was just finished.

No binge ensued. No negative thoughts. I had a weird ass snacky snack and I was done.

I have to say, I don’t recall experiencing this ever at all. In the past, these sorts of things were a downward spiral. A dark abyss. The start of uncontrol. Today, it was like pfft, whatever.

Wanna know the kicker? I still wasn’t hungry at dinnertime. So I made food for everyone and we all sat down and I didn’t eat a thing because not hungry! And I was comfortable!! No one tried to push me to eat and I didn’t feel weird while everyone else did. It was just all good that I followed my own cues and listened to my body. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t.

Being exactly who I am and enjoying it was hands down my favorite thing about today.

Show me how pretty the world is.

I didn’t sleep much last night. I’m only now remembering this. It’s kinda funny to think about actually. This morning seems so long ago.

This morning my daughter played with the babe for a bit before school. My stomach and abdomen and old scars from past surgeries have been hurting so much recently. I layed flat on the bed and realized it’s been months since I’ve been flat like that. I’m always standing or sitting, or at night as I sleep, I’m on my right side. My muscles and organs and everything must be so jacked up. So I’m going to try to take time each day to lay on my back for a bit. And rub on my muscles and break up some scar tissue. Also, I think I might have diastasis, but that’s probably for another entry sometime.

Today wasn’t eating all day. That’s ultimately where I want to get. Good breaks between meals. Oh. And more water.

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1732 calories 22 fiber

My fat is still much higher than my protein (yay!) but I doubt it really needs to be as high as it is. And I started off today with this English muffin French toast concoction thing and didn’t even finish it. It was just too much.

Tomorrow I need to buy more bacon. And clean my kitchen. Goodnight loveys.

A sorta fairytale with you.

When I created this blog, I wanted it to be a neutral place I could come to talk about whatever. I feel like so far I only talk about keto. All things considered that’s not really a bad thing. It feels nice that I haven’t had to talk things out too much. Soon though. I have a list of things I need to get on and anxiety pauses me too often. For now, sleep. It’s late.

I made fathead pizza today! With pesto. It was so good. The crust was still just a tad bit more cheese than bread, but it is a nice substitute. I’m interested in seeing the other ways I can use the bread. Also I made a new fat bomb today. Something I’ve never seen anywhere. Recipe tomorrow!

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1679 calories 20 fiber 4 sugar alcohols

I feel good about my calories and my macros and my water intake (90-100oz a day, on average). Weigh in is tomorrow. Numbers are always interesting. I just wish I’d feel better soon. And that my ribs didn’t constantly feel like they are pulling apart. Okay-real sleep now.