I hear it calling.

Eating kept not happening today. Or I’d eat, but we didn’t have protein. So it was an egg, but no red meat of substance. Or I’d eat, but not have time to make anything. So it was frozen vegetables, but no coconut oil. So I came in super under on carbs (and this was even after adding in the chia crackers and extra butter. Recipe tomorrow.) and super high on carbs. Even if net was just 25. No matter. I got through another day.

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1316 calories 27 fiber

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Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scalr victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

I looked into your eyes and saw a world that does not exist.

Food is food is food. I don’t really have anything to add.

I changed my caloric goal on myfitnesspal today. I’ve been eating under 1600 calories a day for a week. Except yesterday. I wanted to make sure it was a good fit before I changed it.

Today I went to see my friend who is trained in diastasis so that she could check me. She said it’s not really that bad. There’s an area that’s two finger widths, but the rest is fine. And at my belly button, it goes deep, instead of wide, but it was kinda in the middle between good and bad and so easily fixable too. She told me not to worry about taking the workshop. She gave me some good exercises to do to open my chest a little bit and strengthen my core and also some stretches and spinal alignments to do on the foam roller. I’ll look up exercises for obliques because that’s supposed to help too.

This morning with food was really good. This afternoon felt a lil rough at points, and dinner could have turned into something unnecessary, but I navigated and I’m proud of the choices I made. Now I just need to get more water in me before 10pm each night.

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1457 calories 16 fiber

On to the next.

I wanted food all day today. I don’t really know what that was about. It was a sort of boredom. In part with something insatiable. In part with some actual hunger. I dunno. It was strange.

I weighed myself this morning. Sunday. The scale was even more wonky than normal. I couldn’t get an accurate read on it. Eventually I just took the last set of reads.

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I bought a new scale today so I don’t have to deal with the aggravation again. For now I’m down two pounds, after a gain and then nothing for two weeks. And a week of 1600 calories or fewer.

That’s almost 12 pounds in just over a month. It’s nothing to laugh at. It’s good numbers technically. But even still there’s a sense of disappointment. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up or veering from the path. But still. I feel feelings about it.

Foodwise today, I worked really hard to not backpedal my progress. Mentally, more than physically. I just want to stay aware, even when I can’t quite be present.

I went over in calories today. That’s okay. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. That’s okay. I made muffins I didn’t love. That’s okay too. Chris loved them. It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good day. Filled with some tough navigational moments. I’m good with that.

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1705 calories 23 fiber

All I want to be is the minute that you hold me in.

I had such a perfect day. The baby woke up at 5am. And it was one of the few and far days where Chris slept in (til 6:30). Then the babe and I went back to sleep. Eventually we were all up again and even eventualier after that, we went shopping for shoes and new workout threads and random householdiness. And crickets for the beardrd dragon.

Dinner was this perfectly cooked steak. So damn good.

I’m gonna pass out now, so macros.

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1454 calories 12 fiber

The less I seek my source for some definitive.

Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.

I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.

I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.

But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.

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1561 calories 14 fiber

I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.

All good things must come to an end.

Ahh, day 31. In just a couple short hours, February will be upon us. The month blinked by. Except for the days that snailed.

I feel good about the month. I feel good that I stuck with it. I feel good that I stayed keto, but didn’t tear myself up if I didn’t stay within calories for losing weight. The nursing comes first and this month was just an experiment to make sure keto was compatible with keeping my supply at a good level. I’m happy to say I’m happy with the results. The only days my supply seemed to dip is when I didn’t drink enough water.

I didn’t lose weight like I would have hoped. But 10 pounds is nothing to shrug off either. It’s weight I would otherwise still be carrying. Only 10 pounds means I could still safelt feed my baby. Priorities.

For February, my goal is to keep my calories closer to 1500. And water. And meals instead of grazing.

All in all I’m content with my progress.

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1527 calories 9 fiber