I embraced the things, like I said I would. And it was good. On Saturday. Then on Sunday, I was like hot damn, that was awesome. Especially ’cause Sunday went right the fuck back to routine without any real thought or effort. And I was like SCORE!
And I said to Chris, “hey, you know what causes a relapse?” and he said, “what?” and I said, “that very first time you choose to use….and then making that same choice over and over and over again.
And then I went on to say how the day felt so comfortably common, and how I didn’t make a big deal out of Saturday and I was navigating so delightfully!
Tra la la.
And then I lost sight today. Because sometimes the path is so gravelly and blurry. And where there may have once been grass is now trodden with sand and rocks and…. It just isn’t so clear.
I can admit today was about food. Hell, I’m *practicing* making life about life and not about food. There’s no benefit to try to skew reality. There’s no points for perfection here, especially this early on, and I don’t do disingenuine (okay okay, this is not actually a word. But it should be! A quasi morphing of genuine and disingenuous, to mean that one would have the state of not being genuine–and I couldn’t pull that off if my life depended on it.) What I mean to say is, today was bumpy. I’m not even quite sure *why*. I mean, I can list the excuses I haphazardly spewed at myself, but there was no “aha!” why. Excuses spewed:
- I’m still sick.
- It’s only for today.
- All three kids are sick.
- I’m pms’ing, and navigating that is hard. It’ll pass and I’ll go back to regular in a couple days.
- My husband is sick.
- It’s just today. Not even the whole day! Just this one meal/snack/bite.
- I don’t even feel full!
- I can go back to the healthy habits right after this.
- I’m sick and I need the extra cough drops.
Choosing food and making the day so food-centric never filled my thoughts with this being a “bad” choice or that I was “bad” for choosing food. A couple times I did think “there’s an unusual amount of chatter in my head today”, but I dismissed it. Because I wanted to. Because there was a level of comfort in the chaos. A familiarity. Maybe because I don’t eat comfort food when I’m sick, so I took comfort thoughts? Maybe because I navigated Halloween so easily and this was a crash from that. Maybe because I’m losing inches pretty quickly and there’s underlying subconscious thoughts about my body or an old thought line about fat being a good layer of protection from harm or undue attention. I dunno. It could be all or none of that.
What I do know is that Sarah Rentfro saved my ass again today with her kismet-esque post. She talked about being right. fucking. here. with the grace and the excuses and the blurred lines and the pressure I put on Future Me to do the work, instead of Now Me.
And again, I was like aww, shit, *spark*. Because the excuses and the chatter and the grace over and over and over, all day long, suddenly wasn’t nearly as blurry as it had felt. And so I didn’t eat dinner because I seriously had plenty of food today. And I didn’t drink that glass of milk just to say I had some milk. And I didn’t have any more cough drops since my throat doesn’t even hurt anymore. And I didn’t eat that banana just so I could cross it off the “I will be regular for tomorrow” list. I just….let myself *be*.
And it was so….*easy*. I could cry thinking about it. Because the chatter died down and my head was finally quiet again and I wasn’t being pulled in chaotic directions and using all my energy on decisions.
I was just here. Now. Me.