Learn to swim.

I’m braving it on my own today. I had company the previous three days. Company that maybe wasn’t entirely aware that I was doing anything different (I’m sure he knew. He always knows. But I didn’t say anything about it.)–and even if he didn’t know, it was company nonetheless. And I’m a firm believer in safety in numbers.

Today I’m on my own and treating the day as any other. Treating the day as I did last November when my days felt healthier and there were no choices–there was just safety.

And even tho I’m not all the way quite there yet, it isn’t intolerably hard.


Play your memory like a piper.

I am afraid to eat today. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to feel brave and confident about it. But alas, here I am. Afraid.

My disordered eating has grown exponentially recently. I’ve watched it and felt it and let it. All the safeties I put in place have been no match for all the bigger, heavier things. All the life and history (so much history) and depression and chemical imbalance and anxiety.

It used to be that even when things got overwhelming, I still had a code. That code has gotten blurrier and blurrier over the weeks. With my permission and without. The both and neither of me being me and me being my deteriorating mental health. The dichotomy of taking personal responsibility and also it being completely out of my hands. The subtleties of loving it and loathing it.

But today I haven’t eaten yet. Because I haven’t been hungry yet. Because I have been making the choice, and not because I’m letting the choice make me. And now it’s after noon and I’ve made food and I’m afraid to eat. Because after I eat, it becomes harder to feel like the choice is mine. And I like the control right now. I enjoy not having the overwhelm of insatiable. I miss just feeling normal.

Be my reminder.

I embraced the things, like I said I would. And it was good. On Saturday. Then on Sunday, I was like hot damn, that was awesome. Especially ’cause Sunday went right the fuck back to routine without any real thought or effort. And I was like SCORE!

And I said to Chris, “hey, you know what causes a relapse?” and he said, “what?” and I said, “that very first time you choose to use….and then making that same choice over and over and over again.

And then I went on to say how the day felt so comfortably common, and how I didn’t make a big deal out of Saturday and I was navigating so delightfully!

Tra la la.

And then I lost sight today. Because sometimes the path is so gravelly and blurry. And where there may have once been grass is now trodden with sand and rocks and…. It just isn’t so clear.

I can admit today was about food. Hell, I’m *practicing* making life about life and not about food. There’s no benefit to try to skew reality. There’s no points for perfection here, especially this early on, and I don’t do disingenuine (okay okay, this is not actually a word. But it should be! A quasi morphing of genuine and disingenuous, to mean that one would have the state of not being genuine–and I couldn’t pull that off if my life depended on it.) What I mean to say is, today was bumpy. I’m not even quite sure *why*. I mean, I can list the excuses I haphazardly spewed at myself, but there was no “aha!” why. Excuses spewed:

  • I’m still sick.
  • It’s only for today.
  • All three kids are sick.
  • I’m pms’ing, and navigating that is hard. It’ll pass and I’ll go back to regular in a couple days.
  • My husband is sick.
  • It’s just today. Not even the whole day! Just this one meal/snack/bite.
  • I don’t even feel full!
  • I can go back to the healthy habits right after this.
  • I’m sick and I need the extra cough drops.

Choosing food and making the day so food-centric never filled my thoughts with this being a “bad” choice or that I was “bad” for choosing food. A couple times I did think “there’s an unusual amount of chatter in my head today”, but I dismissed it. Because I wanted to. Because there was a level of comfort in the chaos. A familiarity. Maybe because I don’t eat comfort food when I’m sick, so I took comfort thoughts? Maybe because I navigated Halloween so easily and this was a crash from that. Maybe because I’m losing inches pretty quickly and there’s underlying subconscious thoughts about my body or an old thought line about fat being a good layer of protection from harm or undue attention. I dunno. It could be all or none of that.

What I do know is that Sarah Rentfro saved my ass again today with her kismet-esque post. She talked about being right. fucking. here. with the grace and the excuses and the blurred lines and the pressure I put on Future Me to do the work, instead of Now Me.

And again, I was like aww, shit, *spark*. Because the excuses and the chatter and the grace over and over and over, all day long, suddenly wasn’t nearly as blurry as it had felt. And so I didn’t eat dinner because I seriously had plenty of food today. And I didn’t drink that glass of milk just to say I had some milk. And I didn’t have any more cough drops since my throat doesn’t even hurt anymore. And I didn’t eat that banana just so I could cross it off the “I will be regular for tomorrow” list. I just….let myself *be*.

And it was so….*easy*. I could cry thinking about it. Because the chatter died down and my head was finally quiet again and I wasn’t being pulled in chaotic directions and using all my energy on decisions.

I was just here. Now. Me.


I am not throwing away my shot.

I’m thinking about food this morning, and instead of shoving it down [the thoughts] and compartmentalizing it, I’m taking the opportunity to look at it.

It’s been a long (great) week and there is an anxious feeling that the weekend feels sooo close, but it’s not here yet.

There are more clouds than sun.

I don’t feel like actively participating with my kid.

I’d rather downtime with sleep or a book or a shower or a movie.

I don’t feel like go go go this morning.

Coffee made me all acid refluxy this morning and that was a bummer.

I just plain ol’ don’t wanna today.

And seriously, where is the sunshine?

But amidst all that and more…I don’t have hunger.  I just think I want to eat. Because food was a good bandaid for so long. Because you embrace the thing that saves you when there is nothing else to save you.

Except I have other things to save me now. I save myself in countless healthy ways–connection and self-awareness and self-care and acknowledgement and breathing and compassion. And by saying “I feel this feeling and it will pass.”

So I came here to say it.

Testing our communication.

I put my tongue ring back in last weekend. And all my earrings. My tongue ring had been out for years, minus an hour or so every 3-6 months to make sure it didn’t close up all the way. It’s my favorite piercing. I much prefer it in. I’m grateful it hasn’t bugged me this time.

My son asked me tonight at dinner “no picture?” referring to my food. I said, “nope. I don’t need it any more.”

I couldn’t see Chris’s face. But he was beaming with pride.

Pure intention juxtaposed.

Today is gonna be my last day of posting daily accountability pictures. If the need arises, I won’t hesitate, but I feel good about this decision. I finally embraced my need for pictures and stopped apologizing for it and feeling lame. That’s a good indicator by my account that it’s no longer needed.


Despite being “stuck” at home this morning with no car, food wasn’t really on my radar. L and I played a bunch and listened to Tool and Rent, and I didn’t think to make lunch until after noon.

And I’m very excited that I have Aleppo pepper back in my arsenal of spices. Because I like the dichotomy of sweet and spicy, I used the blueberry sausage today instead of the other savory kinds.


Here is a picture of L wanting to get in on the picture action. At first he just wanted to play with his cowboys, but then he tried to steal my craisins.

And for the most exciting part of the day!….


Sweet little woolly bear caterpillar. Jack (the dog) tried to eat him. I got to him I  time, which is more than I can say for the baby rabbit a month ago and the mouse a couple weeks ago. So yay! I’ll relocate him tomorrow.

I climb higher and higher.

Today was such a great day, start to finish. That’s not to say every moment was perfect. They certainly weren’t. I just navigated the day with such ease. I am so so grateful for the calm and collected, the detached without being unattached, and the ability to recognize safe boundaries.


I had some of my holiday apple today and was amused to find it was just okay. The crisp on it tho can’t be beat.

Oh! And I tried new sausage. Hatch chile. It wasn’t the least bit spicy, but it had the most intricate flavor. I’ve never eaten anything like it before.


Everyone else had Chipotle for dinner, which didn’t sound good at all. Salad sounded good. I got some black forest ham today, which has beautifully edible ingredients, and tomatoes and avocado. Perfect salad fixings. I also had a tablespoon of almond butter and a banana. But not together.