Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scalr victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

Sunshine. I’m beginning to like this.

Today was Family Day! We’ve been talking about everyone taking off of work and school for over a year now, but never managed to execute it. When we moved into the house we said we’d do it once a month. That didn’t much work. But we’re in a better place to commit to it now. That feels amazingly good.

Today was fun. I made good food choices, although a few were spontaneous and maybe not the best choices, but they were *my* choices and I feel good about that.

There was something I was going to write about today. I’ve been trying to remember what it was for the past hour. I’m still at a loss. So, macros and bed instead, I suppose.

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1424 calories 12 fiber

Whenever my carbs are up, it’s because I had some banana.

Oh! I made a fat head pizza tonight for my husband. I wasn’t going to have any. But then damnit. It had me in its grasp. So I decided on one piece and even told my husband that I didn’t want more than that and to remind me I don’t want any if I try to do otherwise.

But even with just one piece of pizza, I got all bloated and…I dunno. My tummy was hard and thick feeling. So…just no more pizza for me. And that’s alright. Chris confided too that fat head pizza isn’t a good idea for him either because it’s so triggering. I don’t want it to be triggering for him either, but truth be told, the safety in numbers feels nice.

I can’t express how much it means to me to be able to do this with Chris. I’ve always done it on my own. And I can do it. But, fuck, I am so thankful to not be alone this time.

The less I seek my source for some definitive.

Ahh February. Hello darling. It’s so nice of you to visit.

I love February. I love that I love February. I didn’t always. Now it’s just this really good reminder of being alive and living and appreciating life.

I felt really great when I woke up this morning. I felt thinner. I felt like–had I weighed myself–I would have had that whoosh people talk about. I didn’t weigh myself tho. I can’t give into thoughts like that. They’d haunt me and I’d have to fight them off. It was out of my head almost as quickly as it came in. That’s usually the way of thoughts that aren’t entertained.

But, so I felt thinner today. And maybe it was because my calories were lower yesterday. So I decided I’d be super vigilant of my calories today. I tried to not eat between meals too. I was mostly decently successful. Calories were under 1600. I was sorta thinking for a minute there to fuck it and eat something more. But really that’s not what I wanted. So I had some lettuce with salt and it was a reminder that I didn’t need/want food, without it really counting for anything. And it’s also been a good vehicle for salt recently, since I’m back to drinking more water.

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1561 calories 14 fiber

I want to do something fun tomorrow. Our temperature is supposed to dip down to 20° though and, well, gosh, that’s just too cold for outdoor exploring. I want to do specialness all day tho. Suggestions are welcome.

The excuse that I use when I want to stop trying.

Today was better than yesterday. So I guess I’m on a pretty productive upswing. I almost said fuck it and didn’t log my dinner and lunch today. But then I decided that would be kinda lame. I don’t want to be all about the numbers all the time, but a) I’d like to have accurate and complete info through January and b) I want to have accountability while I’m still feeling a bit in a funk.

So I logged my food and then was thankful because I realized something important. I’m eating this way to feel healthy. But I can’t feel healthy at this weight. So even if I’m eating healthy, I’m not going to feel healthy enough.

Once February comes, I’m going to reassess calories. I know I can’t lose weight at 1700-1900 calories a day, even with the healthiest food. And my breastmilk supply seems good, except on days that I don’t drink enough. Recently too I’ve realized I’m not drinking quite enough and on days that there’s less water, there is usually more food. So…there’s that too.

But January first. February when it gets here.

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1915 calories 20 fiber

I’m starting to learn how to keep my protein low. Or within a good range at least. That was never easy for me, so the fact that I’m accomplishing this makes me feel especially successful. Today it feels like that piece of the puzzle is clicking for me.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.

Everything in its right place.

A girl named Nicole said she was having a rough time and was going to fast for 24 hours. It inspired me to just do fat for dinner (and some vegetables) and forgo protein, which I’ve been high on recently. This decision feels really good. I’m hoping a not too high protein day will help food tomorrow. Also, I can’t be doing almond butter. It’s too delicious and too triggering. But this is all about finding what works.

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1595 calories 18 fiber 4.5 sugar alcohols

I had the Lily’s chocolate chips today. It was my first venture with erythritol and stevia. Impressive. I’m not much for artificial sweeteners. Just like almond butter, I won’t be able to have this much. But I like that it’s an option.

I’m finished with food today. That feels good too. Gonna put my kids to sleep and then sleep too.

Six six six

Today was such a strange day. I never felt satiated. That doesn’t necessarily mean I felt hungry or didn’t feel full. I just never felt satiated. This is the blurry line between adapting to keto and entertaining an eating disorder.

I don’t know that it means anything. It didn’t *feel* like anything. I’m not going to make it into anything. I just want to note it and be accountable.

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1966 calories 5 fiber

My macros were fine. Protein could have been a little lower, but no biggie. Net carbs still under 30. Calories were high compared to previous days, but not high enough to be concerned about anything. It could just be my body’s way of adjusting to eating less calories.

On to the next!