A pause where no stop is wanted.

I’m kinda stuck with all this feeling and I can’t share it in the outlets I’d normally share because it seems like everyone else is feeling feelings. Except doom isn’t attached to my feelings.

I’m not ready to call it quits or think I’m failing or a failure. Nothing like that. It’s just tough today. I ate entirely too much food today. It was too disordered. I don’t feel good about it.

And I don’t know why I did it. I was so proud of myself this morning. I had an appointment and I wasn’t anxiety ridden or paralyzed. I did it and I got there early and it was easy and then it was done. But I got home and even though I was within keto and macros, I ate a lot of food. I didn’t even think to attribute it to anything. I noted that I didn’t want to stop eating. But didn’t note anything further.

I wish I could have paused. I wish I could have chosen to eat a pickle and armed myself with something that may have curbed the cravings. I wish I had the tools–had used the tools–to see it and face it and get through it in the moment.

And I didn’t. So I’m frustrated. And all day, in all my keto groups, people having been saying how they gained weight this past week or went off plan for a meal. A day. A weekend. A week. How it’s not working. How they don’t want this anymore. But I do.

It’s just not easy today.

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Simon says: Day 4

Good morning day four. I got to greet you in the darkness again and watch you break into day. Translated, this means it’s 8am and I’m ready for a nap.

I just had breakfast. Leftover vegetables with some tiny potatoes and an egg with a side of burgers. I missed eggs. It’s good to have them again.*

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I’m gonna go back to mom’ing until I can nap. Then I’ll be golden for the day again.

1:30pm
The Cat in the Hat is my hero. ❤ I had the most ah-may-zing nap!! This could spoil me.

After being up for a bit, my appetite grew and I made this yummy lunch.

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Browning up/frying the baked potatoes like this is kinda heavy, but it’s nice every couple days. It feels like a treat, only in that I’m not depriving myself of heavy foods way. The rest of the time I’m greatly enjoying vegetables.

What I’m currently enjoying most is the freedom from not snacking. As someone who lives with an eating disorder, I have greatly appreciated the positive voices in my head. A thirty day commitment to the Whole30 currently trumps the disease. I ate the food within the protocol of the Whole30 for years and it served me well. It didn’t mute the disordered voices though and eventually it didn’t matter how clean I ate because I was still consuming so much food.

When I got pregnant in October of last year, I was so sick I couldn’t keep anything down. Eventually, threatening a hospital admission for dehydration, I started eating fruit again. That led to the slow reintroduction of everything except gluten, high fructose corn syrup and artificial sugars.

I needed to have that experience in my life. I hadn’t eaten sugar in over three years and, while I was good to never do it again, the thought of sugar may have one day consumed me. I didn’t want to risk eating it, but also I hated that that’s where my eating disorder had brought me. I didn’t want to live in fear anymore. And now I’ve consumed sugar. And it wasn’t my downfall. And it didn’t suddenly own me–not anymore than it did when I was denying it.

Having sugar and not labeling it as anything actually served to free me from it. At least I can say that about the last year-ish and for today.

The quantity of food is the thing I am focusing on now. The healing of that part of the disordered thoughts. The Whole30 is nice because it helps me not label anything. I’m just eating mindfully and honoring my hunger and satiety.

11pm
I had lunch at 4:30 and a snack at 6:15.

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I ended up leaving half the cashews.

Then I went for a walk with my husband and the babe. While it was technically just a walk, babywearing on that steep and hilly of a terrain is no joke.

We came home and had a late dinner and night again. After dinner, I had a small bowl of berries and  apple cubes, not pictured.

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The regular-ish sleep routine will start again when Thing One and Thing Two return tomorrow and school is back to normal.

*I may or may not have reacted not ideally to the eggs. I’ll try again tomorrow or Tuesday to see if I have the reaction again.