All the pandemonium and all the madness.

I think I just need to suck it up and accept that in this moment of my life, I’m in a place of needing to vent. It’s not my intention to complain. And amidst the everything I remain ever grateful.

At the same time, fucking hell. It is hard right now. And every time I put myself out there, I feel like I’m met with clique-yness and exclusion.

And homelife is rough right now. I simultaneously feel like I’m on autopilot and trying soooo hard to keep everything even and progressing and accomplished.

I’m really proud of myself that I’ve kept so much clean since August. This is pretty unprecedented. But gosh it takes a lot of effort.

And then my husband, who is navigating a plethora of illnesses and injuries, seems to be sabotaging my evenings. He’s not meaning to. I don’t take it personally. It just adds an extra weight.

And I’m so tired.

Onward I want to go though. Today I successfully completed day two of my Whole30. I feel like I’m doing it alone. But if alone is how it is, I’ll accomplish it anyway.

For now, sleep.

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Another demon that devours our time in Eden.

I am so lonely. Like embarrassingly lonely. I don’t know how to fix it. Because at this point I feel desperate for a friend. Desperate never looks good on anyone. And desperate isn’t really my norm. So, I feel entirely stuck. And striking up a new friendship with someone as we bond over my desperate loneliness? Well…..I don’t want that relationship to stagnate on lonely, and yet…evolving from that hole would be a miracle of epic proportions.

So. I remain stuck in the loneliness.

It holds me down away from you.

I started the skeleton for this post like two hours ago. Uploaded pictures. Captions. Categories. Tags. And then I just didn’t feel like writing. My little one has been so amazingly asleep since 7:45pm, and that would have been great sleep for me. Hell, being asleep now would be great sleep for me. But instead, here I am awake.

I feel a heavy obligation to write something of substance tonight, yet substance eludes me.

I ate a lot of food today. Well, a lot of calories. My daughter asked me to show her again how to make 90 second bread. I was so excited to share with her. But then it became more and more obvious she was intending on making this for me. Eventually she came in with this chocolate covered almond 90 second bread. It was delicious, but not what I had intended on or expected for macros. But god, her sweet face. And I don’t even care.

Also, I weighed myself today. No change from last weekend.

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Same as last week, plus a dog.

I’ve had some nsv. More patience. Functioning better even on little sleep. My feet haven’t hurt as much, tho they still hurt.

This week I’m going to focus on more vegetables when I’m hungry. The fat does me good and then I don’t have to worry about spiking protein. Also, I need to nix chocolate chips. I finished the almond butter last week and can never get it again. No sense keeping triggering foods around the house.

Macros are decent. Just excessive.

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1865 calories 23 fiber

Alright. I’m passing out. Perhaps tomorrow will be the day I write substance.

The excuse that I use when I want to stop trying.

Today was better than yesterday. So I guess I’m on a pretty productive upswing. I almost said fuck it and didn’t log my dinner and lunch today. But then I decided that would be kinda lame. I don’t want to be all about the numbers all the time, but a) I’d like to have accurate and complete info through January and b) I want to have accountability while I’m still feeling a bit in a funk.

So I logged my food and then was thankful because I realized something important. I’m eating this way to feel healthy. But I can’t feel healthy at this weight. So even if I’m eating healthy, I’m not going to feel healthy enough.

Once February comes, I’m going to reassess calories. I know I can’t lose weight at 1700-1900 calories a day, even with the healthiest food. And my breastmilk supply seems good, except on days that I don’t drink enough. Recently too I’ve realized I’m not drinking quite enough and on days that there’s less water, there is usually more food. So…there’s that too.

But January first. February when it gets here.

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1915 calories 20 fiber

I’m starting to learn how to keep my protein low. Or within a good range at least. That was never easy for me, so the fact that I’m accomplishing this makes me feel especially successful. Today it feels like that piece of the puzzle is clicking for me.

Take heart or I will take it for you.

I take comfort in the fact that today didn’t feel disordered like yesterday. It still didn’t feel great. I was moody and blah and had no desire to feel better. I let myself feel all of that. To the best of my ability while still functioning. And that is the best I could do today.

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1677 calories 15 fiber

I had a whole banana instead of a half. It’s coming fewer and further between, so it looks like I have to up the banana. I don’t know what that will do to weight loss, but pooing is important.

That’s all I got today.