We spotted the ocean.

Today is my favorite day! I love today! And even when this morning kept trying to knock me down and nothing went as I expected and the dog almost broke my front teeth and then spilled coffee all over my face and my clothes and my daughter’s bed–even after that–I was like “Pffft. Not on my special day!” Heh.

I love today.

This year today I love that my pants are allllllmost too big on me. I can easily pull them down without unbuttoning them and I keep having to pull them up. I’m pretty sure they won’t fall down completely on their own, but if the last couple days are any indication, I don’t have more than a week left with them. Which kinda sucks cause they fall perfectly on my hips without hurting my ribs, pelvis or belly button. But there are worse things.

Today was a tricky food day. I kept wanting to eat too often. I mean. I didn’t want to. But I did. It kept coming back to me. And I kept watching my calories dwindle away today and I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough for a special birthday dinner and I didn’t want to eat to my calories, but I also didn’t want to restrict either.

At like 4:30 I only had 700 calories left and I didn’t knew what the plan was. And the 700 I had, was really 500 because I’m shooting for 1600 now and haven’t changed it.

And then my daughter was so excited and wanted to make me some kind of surprise treat and I was like fuck. Because I don’t want to rob her, but also I don’t want to do something at my own expense either. Well, she ended up making me a keto cupcake. It was 90 second bread, but she accidentally used three tablespoons of coconut flour instead of almond. It was interesting! I had a little less than half and it was *almost* triggering, but didn’t trigger me. Then I made some dinner. Simple. And that feels a whole hell of a lot better than eating too much. I did have some lettuce too. I feel comfortable using lettuce this way. As a sort of barometer.

There are no appropriate words to properly describe my elation when, at the end of eating, I came to see that I was under 1500 calories today. I’m amazing! I did an amazing job! My choices were amazing!! And now I get to fall asleep in my contentment.

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1482 calories 7 fiber

Today is another one.

Our bed was full last night. Usually it’s pretty full with me, my husband and the baby. Sometimes the dog. Last night we had two dogs. And a 9 year old boy. Ooof.

The 9 year old slept flush against the left side of my left leg. With his head on my thigh. The dog slept against the same leg on the opposite side with his head on my shin. It was a long night.

It was also a long day. Day three of the babe not much napping. The extra dog we were watching (and hoping to adopt) wouldn’t stop growling and barking at our bearded dragon. And our dog wouldn’t stop forcing himself on the girl dog.

I made the house safe this morning by putting the chocolate chips in my daughter’s backpack. She was none the wiser and I was safe from trigger foods. And I feel good about the gaps of downtime between means. Still tho I ate over 2,000 calories today and that’s not going to get me where I want.

I drank plenty of water at least.

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2072 calories 10 fiber

Take heart or I will take it for you.

I take comfort in the fact that today didn’t feel disordered like yesterday. It still didn’t feel great. I was moody and blah and had no desire to feel better. I let myself feel all of that. To the best of my ability while still functioning. And that is the best I could do today.

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1677 calories 15 fiber

I had a whole banana instead of a half. It’s coming fewer and further between, so it looks like I have to up the banana. I don’t know what that will do to weight loss, but pooing is important.

That’s all I got today.

A pause where no stop is wanted.

I’m kinda stuck with all this feeling and I can’t share it in the outlets I’d normally share because it seems like everyone else is feeling feelings. Except doom isn’t attached to my feelings.

I’m not ready to call it quits or think I’m failing or a failure. Nothing like that. It’s just tough today. I ate entirely too much food today. It was too disordered. I don’t feel good about it.

And I don’t know why I did it. I was so proud of myself this morning. I had an appointment and I wasn’t anxiety ridden or paralyzed. I did it and I got there early and it was easy and then it was done. But I got home and even though I was within keto and macros, I ate a lot of food. I didn’t even think to attribute it to anything. I noted that I didn’t want to stop eating. But didn’t note anything further.

I wish I could have paused. I wish I could have chosen to eat a pickle and armed myself with something that may have curbed the cravings. I wish I had the tools–had used the tools–to see it and face it and get through it in the moment.

And I didn’t. So I’m frustrated. And all day, in all my keto groups, people having been saying how they gained weight this past week or went off plan for a meal. A day. A weekend. A week. How it’s not working. How they don’t want this anymore. But I do.

It’s just not easy today.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.

Everything in its right place.

A girl named Nicole said she was having a rough time and was going to fast for 24 hours. It inspired me to just do fat for dinner (and some vegetables) and forgo protein, which I’ve been high on recently. This decision feels really good. I’m hoping a not too high protein day will help food tomorrow. Also, I can’t be doing almond butter. It’s too delicious and too triggering. But this is all about finding what works.

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1595 calories 18 fiber 4.5 sugar alcohols

I had the Lily’s chocolate chips today. It was my first venture with erythritol and stevia. Impressive. I’m not much for artificial sweeteners. Just like almond butter, I won’t be able to have this much. But I like that it’s an option.

I’m finished with food today. That feels good too. Gonna put my kids to sleep and then sleep too.

Six six six

Today was such a strange day. I never felt satiated. That doesn’t necessarily mean I felt hungry or didn’t feel full. I just never felt satiated. This is the blurry line between adapting to keto and entertaining an eating disorder.

I don’t know that it means anything. It didn’t *feel* like anything. I’m not going to make it into anything. I just want to note it and be accountable.

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1966 calories 5 fiber

My macros were fine. Protein could have been a little lower, but no biggie. Net carbs still under 30. Calories were high compared to previous days, but not high enough to be concerned about anything. It could just be my body’s way of adjusting to eating less calories.

On to the next!