Make up your mind.

I had goals this week.

  • Fold laundry.
  • Do laundry (which technically means more laundry to fold, but that wasn’t specifically on the list).
  • Clean off the damn island.
  • Clean off the table.

There were other things I wanted to do. There are a thousand other things I *do* do. But those goals were things I’ve wanted to do and never get to because I’m constantly doing all the other things.

But not this week!

This week I actually accomplished the goals. And as the island and the table collected papers and toys and mail, I just kept right on clearing them off. I can’t tell you how amazing that feels. Clean space is the best!

I tracked macros again today. I needed it. I felt too far from accountability. Tracking helps remind me to ask the questions “Do I want this? Is this how I want to use calories?” It reminds me to be mindful. I will always take the reminder. Mindfulness isn’t always easy.

Taking a few days off from tracking helped me see that I have a really decent grasp on balanced macros. I put almost no thought into macros today and they’re damn near perfect. Calories threw me a little today, but I think it was just the getting back in the swing of documenting. Nuts are so high in calories! I have no idea how I used to mindlessly ingest so much. But, fuck, I’m so grateful I don’t eat that way anymore.

On to macros.

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1499 calories 20 fiber

I don’t know what the scale is going to look like this week. I had almost two weeks of gain or nothing and then I lost a little after lowering my calories. This week was a lack of documentation. I’m not counting on a scalr victory.

I do have a fairly kickass nsv though! Yesterday I tried on my pre-pregnancy size 16 pants and I could pull them up all the way!!! I can’t button them yet, but I was freaking stoked!! Progress is progress! I’m going to take new pictures again soon too. For now, sleep!

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All I want to be is the minute that you hold me in.

I had such a perfect day. The baby woke up at 5am. And it was one of the few and far days where Chris slept in (til 6:30). Then the babe and I went back to sleep. Eventually we were all up again and even eventualier after that, we went shopping for shoes and new workout threads and random householdiness. And crickets for the beardrd dragon.

Dinner was this perfectly cooked steak. So damn good.

I’m gonna pass out now, so macros.

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1454 calories 12 fiber

Next set of tens.

Today was really great. I think my favorite part is that my husband has started keto too. This is something that I never expected to witness. I’m still trying to not get too excited, but holy fuck it makes me so happy. Not for the company, although I love it. But for the chance for him to see what his body is truly capable of eating so clean. For the inflammation and the pain to decrease (or subside entirely). For the risk of autoimmune diseases to not weigh so heavy on him. For energy in abundance and lifted fog and clarity. For no more fear of diabetes. For confidence and general feelings of goodness. Oh my god. I’m so excited for him. And I’m excited too because I don’t think he eats enough and proper nourishment will be amazing for him.

So yay!

For me, I’m excited for a weekend. There’s great weather and I’ve been cleaning the basement and productivity feels amazing.

I feel good about today’s choices. No chocolate. No baked goods. Eating when hungry. A couple times I was really hungry by the time I ate. That felt good. It felt even better that when I was hungry I didn’t snack. I patiently made a meal and didn’t stuff my face with food while I made food. It didn’t even cross my mind to. I only just now thought about how differently I used to eat.

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1327 calories 10 fiber

My macros were pretty today.

I was thinking earlier about all the things I miss about weighing less, being more fit, and eating clean for an extended period of time.

I miss squishy tummy skin and slender fingers. I miss bony wrists and veiny feet. I miss my clavicle.

More than those things I miss pain free days. I look forward to pain free days.

One day at a time.

I’m really proud of myself. I never intended to start today, but here I sit having successfully completed my food goals for the day.

I was never hungry. I felt productive. I cleaned out our fridge and it’s beauuuutiful. I shared my goals with my family and they’re all supportive of me.

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1279 calories 4 fiber

More important than anything else I feel like I’m working my way toward healthy and that feels better than everything.

Simon says: Seriously? You drank coffee at 6pm?

Simon also says, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Oops. Heh.

Alright so I drank coffee. I had caffeine. It was late. It feels nice to feel clear for once though. No sleep fogs so much more than you realize. Caffeine is no substitute for sleep and I’ll sleep soon, but gosh this feels nice.

What feels nice too is that I’m really proud of my eating choices today! Yesterday left me feeling like I wasn’t quite living up to my best self. Mindfulness went by the wayside and it made me realize it wasn’t the first time. It was a slow ebbing of excusing old behavior.

I have been paying a lot of attention to hunger cues and trying to make sure I’m actually hungry before I eat a meal. But I started neglecting satiety cues and had begun eating more food after I finished what was on my plate. I don’t want to be doing that. I want to stay mindful.

I’m glad it happened though because it gave me the opportunity to nonjudgmentally bring myself back to my path. I self-corrected! And I did it without freaking out about it or sabotaging myself.

 

When I look back on these last 30 days I want to be proud of how far I’ve come. I want to have no regrets. I want to know that I was successful merely because I tried my best.

Saturday’s eating choices weren’t my best. I’m proud to say that today’s were.

I was talking to a friend this morning. My go-to for when I need a safe place to talk something out and then be able to just leave it there.

I was saying how I am having trouble with all the stops and starts of eating. Mostly the stops. I said to her that yesterday was not what I had wanted it to be. I said that in light of that,  I’m now being really vigilant and not eating once I finish eating what I originally take, but that I’m still a little stompy about it. Mostly because it’s frustrating that it’s so damn hard.

And it is. I would love to be able to do my Whole30 eating disorder free. The truth of the matter though is that I have an eating disorder and it goes where I go. That is today’s truth.

Today’s truth is also that that’s okay.

Truly.

It’s alright. I can live with that. I can navigate it. It is doable. The eating disorder is not bigger than I am. I was stompy about it earlier, but it was just a natural part of grieving. I readjusted and now I’m better than ever.

I appreciate that yesterday granted me the opportunity to practice today.

Goodnight all of my successful readers. May each of you be given opportunities to practice as well.