Simon says : Sometimes sleep is impossible.

I did finally get some sleep. After being up all night Tuesday, I got the most amazing hour and a half of sleep Wednesday morning. It doesn’t sound like much, but what it lacked in quantity, it more than made up for in quality.

Then last night, despite going to bed a bit late and then Baby Thing waking to eat a couple times, I eventually got a solid three and a half or so hours. It’s taking its toll on me though. Everything feels just a little off. A little too…much.

I made good food choices today. And I made good eating choices. It hurts though. It’s mentally taxing and physically painful to keep choosing not to eat when I’m not hungry. I know it’s in part the devastating lack of sleep. But I know it’s the eating disorder too. I haven’t had disordered thoughts today–I’ve ignored them all so far. I never let them have voices. But I feel their presence nonetheless. And I’m tired.

I ate at…I dunno…5 maybe? And I ate plenty. But I never stopped being hungry. I never stopped wanting just a little more. It’s almost 10pm now and I’m wrestling my options. I don’t want another night of eating way too late for comfort. But also it’s been five hours since I last ate¬†and the next meal seems too far away if I don’t eat now.

And there it is. Because no matter how reasonable that is, it’s the eating disorder talking. So I’ll just sleep instead. Goodnight Simon.

This is stupid.

Alright. Fine. Simon didn’t say.

I’m just very tired.

Currently my dog is fast asleep on my pillow, while my two month old is giving a big middle finger to sleep. Or maybe it’s the other way around. In any case, that means no sleep for me either.

Whole30 is increasingly more difficult on no sleep. The food compliant part is fine. But the mindfulness is hard. The being of sound mind is hard when my brain isn’t functioning anywhere near full capacity. I’ve encountered a few times when I’ve chosen to eat a snack or mini meal even if it wasn’t time or I wasn’t really actually hungry yet. I’m making good food choices, but not always good eating choices. Simon says: Do the best you can with what you’ve got.

And, strange as it might sound, I don’t think the baby boy likes me eating this clean. He hasn’t slept or pooped right since I started. I’m going to keep at it. I know it’s not hurting him. Just, at this exact moment, it doesn’t seem as beneficial as I thought it would be.

In other news, I have pictures for days five and six. I haven’t posted them yet. I’ll either get to that later today or call it a lost cause. Maybe sleep will find me instead.

Simon says: Day 3

I’m pretty sure there’s only so many times a girl can wake up and have it be dark outside, so the last time the baby woke me, I just stayed up. Now it’s 8am. Needless to say, I’m exhausted. But I’m still doing this anyway!

I heated up food while the baby half yelled at me and then full on screamed at me. And then we snuggled and danced together until my food was cold again. Then I ate my breakfast with my fingers because I’m sick of nursing and needing to use my right hand to eat with a fork.

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This is my Whole30. It’s messy and it’s awkward and it’s not always fair. But it’s mine and I love it.

10pm
The Cat in the Hat took Baby Thing around 10 something this morning and I got to sleep a glorious couple hours. When I woke up I felt human again. I ate a meal around 1 and a snack around 4.

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Meal 2 (In non-distorted reality, this bowl is bigger than the plate below)

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Snack 1

While I could easily eat more fruit, I’m consciously limiting it to a small amount once or twice a day.

We left the house for a good few hours and upon getting home around 8, the baby wanted to eat and the husband wanted to eat and I was still satiated. I finally made and ate food close to 9:30. It’s later than I want to be eating, but also I stay up kinda late, so it evens out.

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The Cat in the Hat is doing his own version of Whole30. He’s not going for compliant, as much as just eating cleaner and mindfully. I like seeing him eat this way. He gets so freaking proud of himself and he feels so damn good and his sunshine warms me.

Day three felt really good. If I am completely underslept or don’t find ways to occupy my thoughts, I can see how I could go a little mad trying to find willpower. After I finished eating tonight, my brain was trying to find ways to justify having a couple apple slices. “I want something light and juicy.” “It’s a better last taste to have in my mouth.” “I won’t feel satiated until I have a little extra.” But I chose not to give those thoughts validity and soon enough, food time was over and eating something later seemed “too later” and no longer a part of dinner.

I feel really good about today. This Whole30 isn’t hard. It’s not easy–but it isn’t hard. It just feels like a good fit and that makes it entirely doable.

Looking at the Whole30 timeline, I was supposed to feel a hangover yesterday and today and want to kill everything tomorrow and the next day. No hangover. Dunno if it’ll ever surface. I don’t know if I’ll want to kill anything either. I don’t do gluten and didn’t overdose on crap before I started. I also drink a lot of water, and I eat starchy carbs at every meal to make sure I keep my breastmilk supply up. So…we’ll see how if the timeline is even something accurate for me or not.

Also, as I’m coming up on Day four, there’s a juvenile part of me that is just giddy about having a jumpstart on all the other Whole30’ers who aren’t starting their SeptemberWhole30 until the 5th. I’m not one for competition or comparing, but it feels good to be ahead, knowing I’ll also be finished first.

Simon says: Day 2

I’ve been up since 6:20am. Baby ate and then played in his bouncer. I got to snuggle in bed with Thing Two for a good long while. This warms my heart and today it’s the thought that fills my mind instead of entertaining the idea of snacking. Cause I’m underslept and exhausted and cranky, and snacking is the go to. But these 30 days are about building a healthier lifestyle and making good decisions for myself. This isn’t immediate gratification. This is big picture.

I wasn’t hungry enough to eat a whole meal when I first woke up, nor did I want to eat if it wasn’t a whole meal. I finally ate around 8:30. No electronics. But a fussy baby on my lap. I left one burger, but by the end of the meal, I was getting full and finished the potato anyway. My brain kinda went into panic mode and Baby Thing was screaming and, man, I can really see why no distractions is important for mindfulness.

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Now it’s 11am and I’m hoping the babe will sleep so I can pass out.

3pm
Babe didn’t want to sleep at 11:30, so I made food for myself and figured we’d go out after I ate.

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I couldn’t take all the exhaustion though and I chose to listen to netflix while I ate. After I ate, I made one last ditch effort for the baby to sleep. Hurray!! That finally did the trick! He finally passed out and we slept from 11:45ish til 2:45!!! What a relief!

Then I ate at 3:45.

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Around 6:30 the Cat in the Hat and I were going to go out. I made a small snack because I knew we’d be going out for a good few hours.

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I had almond butter on the apple slices.

We got back and I made dinner and finally ate again at 9:45. It’s our tradition to watch The West Wing and eat dinner and ice cream. I stayed mindful while eating and nixed the ice cream.

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I had a few moments today when I got a little antsy with food or wanted to snack or just was anxious in general and would have normally used food to quell that. I did what I had to do anyway though to be succussful. Bring on tomorrow!