I wanted food all day today. I don’t really know what that was about. It was a sort of boredom. In part with something insatiable. In part with some actual hunger. I dunno. It was strange.
I weighed myself this morning. Sunday. The scale was even more wonky than normal. I couldn’t get an accurate read on it. Eventually I just took the last set of reads.
I bought a new scale today so I don’t have to deal with the aggravation again. For now I’m down two pounds, after a gain and then nothing for two weeks. And a week of 1600 calories or fewer.
That’s almost 12 pounds in just over a month. It’s nothing to laugh at. It’s good numbers technically. But even still there’s a sense of disappointment. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up or veering from the path. But still. I feel feelings about it.
Foodwise today, I worked really hard to not backpedal my progress. Mentally, more than physically. I just want to stay aware, even when I can’t quite be present.
I went over in calories today. That’s okay. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. That’s okay. I made muffins I didn’t love. That’s okay too. Chris loved them. It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good day. Filled with some tough navigational moments. I’m good with that.
1705 calories 23 fiber
Today was good. And then this evening I let food get the better of me a bit. I’d imagine if I took cashews out of the mix today, my numbers would look cleaner.
1717 calories 11 fiber
I ate a good amount of calories. Which I’m trying to do here and there for the nursing. Net carbs were at exactly 40. They are all fine numbers in any other eating. But right now the baby is finally settled after an hour and a half of not. I’m very exhausted and sad and I don’t know what. So I don’t feel as great about the day as I generally would.
I bought a few new hoodies today. Two zip up and one pullover. All of mine were either tattered to shreds or don’t fit anymore. It’s nice to have some clothes that fit, even if I had to get them because all my others don’t.
It’s 11am and I still haven’t eaten. I’m sure I would have eaten. I’m hungry enough to eat. But I have a babe sleeping on my lap and a dog sleeping on my feet.
I’ve had water and coffee. Doesn’t seem very substantial now that I can’t get to the kitchen. It’s not an urgent need to eat, but man, my head kinda hurts.
As soon as this little munchkin awakes, I’ll get food. For now I’m considering this a happy accident and allowing it to be a longer fast than just dinner to breakfast.
This is where my sunshine kicks in.