I looked into your eyes and saw a world that does not exist.

Food is food is food. I don’t really have anything to add.

I changed my caloric goal on myfitnesspal today. I’ve been eating under 1600 calories a day for a week. Except yesterday. I wanted to make sure it was a good fit before I changed it.

Today I went to see my friend who is trained in diastasis so that she could check me. She said it’s not really that bad. There’s an area that’s two finger widths, but the rest is fine. And at my belly button, it goes deep, instead of wide, but it was kinda in the middle between good and bad and so easily fixable too. She told me not to worry about taking the workshop. She gave me some good exercises to do to open my chest a little bit and strengthen my core and also some stretches and spinal alignments to do on the foam roller. I’ll look up exercises for obliques because that’s supposed to help too.

This morning with food was really good. This afternoon felt a lil rough at points, and dinner could have turned into something unnecessary, but I navigated and I’m proud of the choices I made. Now I just need to get more water in me before 10pm each night.

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1457 calories 16 fiber

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On to the next.

I wanted food all day today. I don’t really know what that was about. It was a sort of boredom. In part with something insatiable. In part with some actual hunger. I dunno. It was strange.

I weighed myself this morning. Sunday. The scale was even more wonky than normal. I couldn’t get an accurate read on it. Eventually I just took the last set of reads.

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I bought a new scale today so I don’t have to deal with the aggravation again. For now I’m down two pounds, after a gain and then nothing for two weeks. And a week of 1600 calories or fewer.

That’s almost 12 pounds in just over a month. It’s nothing to laugh at. It’s good numbers technically. But even still there’s a sense of disappointment. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up or veering from the path. But still. I feel feelings about it.

Foodwise today, I worked really hard to not backpedal my progress. Mentally, more than physically. I just want to stay aware, even when I can’t quite be present.

I went over in calories today. That’s okay. I ate when I wasn’t hungry. That’s okay. I made muffins I didn’t love. That’s okay too. Chris loved them. It wasn’t a great day. But it was a good day. Filled with some tough navigational moments. I’m good with that.

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1705 calories 23 fiber

Today is another one.

Our bed was full last night. Usually it’s pretty full with me, my husband and the baby. Sometimes the dog. Last night we had two dogs. And a 9 year old boy. Ooof.

The 9 year old slept flush against the left side of my left leg. With his head on my thigh. The dog slept against the same leg on the opposite side with his head on my shin. It was a long night.

It was also a long day. Day three of the babe not much napping. The extra dog we were watching (and hoping to adopt) wouldn’t stop growling and barking at our bearded dragon. And our dog wouldn’t stop forcing himself on the girl dog.

I made the house safe this morning by putting the chocolate chips in my daughter’s backpack. She was none the wiser and I was safe from trigger foods. And I feel good about the gaps of downtime between means. Still tho I ate over 2,000 calories today and that’s not going to get me where I want.

I drank plenty of water at least.

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2072 calories 10 fiber

Threesome.

Okay, not really at all. But I’m tired and couldn’t think of a three word.

Today turned out pretty decent. I can’t even remember what I wrote this morning. Just that I felt heartbroken and defeated. But as the day wore on the baby boy seemed to do better, so maybe it was just the broccoli and cauliflower. I had over 1700 calories today. It was a little more snacky than mealy, but I’m just tweaking as I go along. I’m certain if it wasn’t for the caloric need for nursing, I’d barely be getting 1,200 calories a day. It feels good to learn to tweak it though and to not be so attached to an idea or plan or expectation that I become paralyzed by it.

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Calories 1717 Fiber 7

Today numbers look really great. I’m really proud of my progress. I’m proud that I want this and I’m willing to do whatever I need to make it work. For now, sleep.

Oh! But first. I took measurements today. Not the traditional kind where you know the number afterwards. The scale number doesn’t mess me up much. But inches would. So I took my measurements with yard. Hips, waist and bust. And I have each one marked with the date. Now I can redo measurements whenever I want (once a month probably) and there’s no number. I can measure the string at a later date. It doesn’t have to trip me up, but I still have a way to get the number in the future.

Okay. Now sleep.