This holy reality.

I just drove halfway to the store and turned around and drove home. I want the chips or chocolate or <insert thing here>, but not nearly as much as I want to feel healthy and have a healthy relationship with my body and with food.

I don’t want to feel disordered and out of control. I also don’t need to feel “in control” per se. I want an *absence* of feeling out of control and disordered. I don’t want to feel detached from food; I want an absence of feeling attached to it. I want it not even on my radar.

So I turned around and came home. Because if the food’s not here, I give myself the opportunity to practice.

Also, I really fucking need more sleep. This is all so much easier with good sleep. I told Chris last night that lack of sleep makes me want to eat all the everything. It felt really relieving to say it out loud. It was truth and not an accusation. That’s really spectacular progress too. I’m proud of that.



Replace the need with love.

I just spent some time laying on my left side. I haven’t been able to lay on my left side since late 2015 when I was pregnant. This is kind of a big deal.

I started my IT band stretching two weeks ago. I had intended on a solid twice a day, but “done over perfect” will have to suffice. I usually do them once a day. I was called a “fucking hero” for this once a day business, and, for whatever reason, this has spurred me to do them daily with less stompiness. Strangest thing what a correctly placed string of words can do.

A week ago I started doing one set of exercises while laying on my right side. Tonight I laid in bed on my left side for about 45 minutes. It was conscious effort. It was a bit like being upside down. And I’m not sure quite what my organs thought of gravity from that direction. I believe it is all for the good tho. Funny enough, my left shoulder is screaaaaming at me for laying on it. That’ll take some getting used to.

Also today my big toes both still hurt like crazy. Worst day yet. But I feel stronger and able and like I’m finally not squandering my body. I’m doing good.