A pause where no stop is wanted.

I’m kinda stuck with all this feeling and I can’t share it in the outlets I’d normally share because it seems like everyone else is feeling feelings. Except doom isn’t attached to my feelings.

I’m not ready to call it quits or think I’m failing or a failure. Nothing like that. It’s just tough today. I ate entirely too much food today. It was too disordered. I don’t feel good about it.

And I don’t know why I did it. I was so proud of myself this morning. I had an appointment and I wasn’t anxiety ridden or paralyzed. I did it and I got there early and it was easy and then it was done. But I got home and even though I was within keto and macros, I ate a lot of food. I didn’t even think to attribute it to anything. I noted that I didn’t want to stop eating. But didn’t note anything further.

I wish I could have paused. I wish I could have chosen to eat a pickle and armed myself with something that may have curbed the cravings. I wish I had the tools–had used the tools–to see it and face it and get through it in the moment.

And I didn’t. So I’m frustrated. And all day, in all my keto groups, people having been saying how they gained weight this past week or went off plan for a meal. A day. A weekend. A week. How it’s not working. How they don’t want this anymore. But I do.

It’s just not easy today.

Advertisements