All I want to be is the minute that you hold me in.

I had such a perfect day. The baby woke up at 5am. And it was one of the few and far days where Chris slept in (til 6:30). Then the babe and I went back to sleep. Eventually we were all upĀ again and even eventualier after that, we went shopping for shoes and new workout threads and random householdiness. And crickets for the beardrd dragon.

Dinner was this perfectly cooked steak. So damn good.

I’m gonna pass out now, so macros.

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1454 calories 12 fiber

Next set of tens.

Today was really great. I think my favorite part is that my husband has started keto too. This is something that I never expected to witness. I’m still trying to not get too excited, but holy fuck it makes me so happy. Not for the company, although I love it. But for the chance for him to see what his body is truly capable of eating so clean. For the inflammation and the pain to decrease (or subside entirely). For the risk of autoimmune diseases to not weigh so heavy on him. For energy in abundance and lifted fog and clarity. For no more fear of diabetes. For confidence and general feelings of goodness. Oh my god. I’m so excited for him. And I’m excited too because I don’t think he eats enough and proper nourishment will be amazing for him.

So yay!

For me, I’m excited for a weekend. There’s great weather and I’ve been cleaning the basement and productivity feels amazing.

I feel good about today’s choices. No chocolate. No baked goods. Eating when hungry. A couple times I was really hungry by the time I ate. That felt good. It felt even better that when I was hungry I didn’t snack. I patiently made a meal and didn’t stuff my face with food while I made food. It didn’t even cross my mind to. I only just now thought about how differently I used to eat.

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1327 calories 10 fiber

My macros were pretty today.

I was thinking earlier about all the things I miss about weighing less, being more fit, and eating clean for an extended period of time.

I miss squishy tummy skin and slender fingers. I miss bony wrists and veiny feet. I miss my clavicle.

More than those things I miss pain free days. I look forward to pain free days.

Always both.

I wanted today to be this fresh start kick start kinda deal. And it started out that way. But then eventually in my quest to not have so much protein, I ended up eating things I hadn’t intended to eat. And then I made (keto) chocolate chip cookies and I ate half of them even tho they sucked and….it was all very…I was consciously not in control. I could have stopped. But I couldn’t stop. Eventually I threw the rest away. This was half a batch of half a batch of cookies. I had like seven and they were tiny. I say this, not as a justification, but as a reminder that it wasn’t much damage. That I’ve come a long way. That I didn’t need to finish a binge. That I didn’t need to elongate it. That I didn’t need to end one just to start another a few minutes later. This is all growth I am proud of and want to take time to acknowledge.

I wanted those cookies to taste good. I kept taking another in hopes of the next being better than the last. They never were. They were just bad cookies. I would have been better off eating just the chocolate chips. But I learned by doing it this way. That part feels good.

And then I calculated my macros because accountability. And that felt honest and brave. And I told a friend right away. And I told my husband this evening. Because that’s how you have to do it with an eating disorder. Secrets make you sick.

And then tonight I was looking in the fridge for food and I didn’t really want a pickle, but it seemed like a safe choice. Or cream cheese. And my husband said “are you hungry or bored?” Because we can ask each other questions like that. And after a moment of thought I replied, “neither.” And I chose to not eat anything. That was a good decision.

And because of that question and that choice, my macros today are exact. So strange!

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1659 calories 14 fiber 2.5 sugar alcohol

Today wasn’t the day I would have thought to ask for. But it was a good day.

And! I’ve been so productive with cleaning the basement. That feels beyond amazing! Sleep now.

The day the earth stood still.

I slept not much last night. My daughter hogged the bed. Still tho, it was a really decent day.

I love my husband a lot. He saved my sanity when I got all nauseous and lightheaded. Hours later and I’m finally starting to feel functioning again. I even ate dinner.

Alright. Macros, thenĀ sleep.

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1384 calories 7 fiber

Days with chicken always have too much protein. Chicken is so delicious though. I didn’t care about fat today. I just wanted to keep down food.

The joyness of day two.

Today rocked. Like really fucking rocked. That feels so amazing!

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1559 calories 6 fiber

Look at those beautiful numbers! Because I’m nursing a little one, I allow for more carbs. Even still, net carbs today was 26. Not worried about it.

I *feel* good. I feel good about my choices and the foods I ate and the continued determination to keep going.

This morning I also started vitamin d3. I used to take this every winter and kinda forgot about it.

Today I had a banana, split up throughout the day. I didn’t want to eat a whole one at once and spike anything. It’ll be the only sugary carb thing and for now the plan is to do that every other day. After a lifetime’s worth of trouble not being able to poo, I finally found something that makes me regular. A banana a day. But I’m willing to see how every other day banana’ing goes. I just refuse to be constipated for weeks at a time ever again.

I am off now to finish the first episode of The OA and then sleep!

Seriously tho. I feel so amazing. And so damn proud. Yay me!!