Simon also says, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Alright so I drank coffee. I had caffeine. It was late. It feels nice to feel clear for once though. No sleep fogs so much more than you realize. Caffeine is no substitute for sleep and I’ll sleep soon, but gosh this feels nice.
What feels nice too is that I’m really proud of my eating choices today! Yesterday left me feeling like I wasn’t quite living up to my best self. Mindfulness went by the wayside and it made me realize it wasn’t the first time. It was a slow ebbing of excusing old behavior.
I have been paying a lot of attention to hunger cues and trying to make sure I’m actually hungry before I eat a meal. But I started neglecting satiety cues and had begun eating more food after I finished what was on my plate. I don’t want to be doing that. I want to stay mindful.
I’m glad it happened though because it gave me the opportunity to nonjudgmentally bring myself back to my path. I self-corrected! And I did it without freaking out about it or sabotaging myself.
When I look back on these last 30 days I want to be proud of how far I’ve come. I want to have no regrets. I want to know that I was successful merely because I tried my best.
Saturday’s eating choices weren’t my best. I’m proud to say that today’s were.
I was talking to a friend this morning. My go-to for when I need a safe place to talk something out and then be able to just leave it there.
I was saying how I am having trouble with all the stops and starts of eating. Mostly the stops. I said to her that yesterday was not what I had wanted it to be. I said that in light of that, I’m now being really vigilant and not eating once I finish eating what I originally take, but that I’m still a little stompy about it. Mostly because it’s frustrating that it’s so damn hard.
And it is. I would love to be able to do my Whole30 eating disorder free. The truth of the matter though is that I have an eating disorder and it goes where I go. That is today’s truth.
Today’s truth is also that that’s okay.
It’s alright. I can live with that. I can navigate it. It is doable. The eating disorder is not bigger than I am. I was stompy about it earlier, but it was just a natural part of grieving. I readjusted and now I’m better than ever.
I appreciate that yesterday granted me the opportunity to practice today.
Goodnight all of my successful readers. May each of you be given opportunities to practice as well.