For all the reasons you had to die.

It was the most interesting food day. The last couple days have been laced with hard moments and redirecting disordered thoughts and not entertaining disordered eating. I’m being really intentional with my desire to create new comfort habits. Monday and Tuesday I felt successful in my endeavors. At the same time, it took a lot of effort.

Today I was antsy. There was a pulsing to the day. I got hungry early (9ish instead of 11 or 12) and so I had breakfast. Then later I just wanted snack food. Something not “whole foods” sounded good. I gave myself permission to have comfort food because comfort sounded good. I appreciate my commitment to not relying on comfort food to manage stress and anxiety, (and there’s always potential for not reading yourself quite right), but I’m pretty sure comfort food just sounded good today because it’s good.

I did something different today than I’ve done in the past when comfort food sounded good. I said, “Okay! Some foods compromise my body and my health. I won’t have those “relatively harmless” foods. That meant staying grain free and crap oil free.

At the store, they didn’t have Rx bars, so I got jerky sticks. Yeah, sugar was in the ingredients list, but it was barely a gram for two sticks. They hit the spot. I got a couple bars from the next store and ate both on them, without guilt. And then after I finished, I…was just finished.

No binge ensued. No negative thoughts. I had a weird ass snacky snack and I was done.

I have to say, I don’t recall experiencing this ever at all. In the past, these sorts of things were a downward spiral. A dark abyss. The start of uncontrol. Today, it was like pfft, whatever.

Wanna know the kicker? I still wasn’t hungry at dinnertime. So I made food for everyone and we all sat down and I didn’t eat a thing because not hungry! And I was comfortable!! No one tried to push me to eat and I didn’t feel weird while everyone else did. It was just all good that I followed my own cues and listened to my body. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t.

Being exactly who I am and enjoying it was hands down my favorite thing about today.

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Both sides now.

I bought a new scale and it sucks. My dog ate through the box and I can’t return. I think I threw away the receipt anyway. Now I have to go to the store and buy the nicer, more expensive one.

All of this is to say, so be it. Things happen. They don’t always go your way. They don’t always go as expected. That’s life.

Today my husband got an amazing job offer. An offer he’s been waiting for for two months. But really it’s been two years. Also he started a side project a couple months ago and he released his first wave of products last week. They are getting unprecedentedly positive reviews. He’s being compared to people who have years and years of experience and expertise. This is after a single attempt on his part. Also my baby boy cut his first tooth today, and although it’s been coming, he has mostly been entirely unfazed, instead of screaming in pain.

This is all to say, so be it. Things happen. Sometimes they go your way. Sometimes it’s entirely unexpected. That’s life.