For all this.

Time tick tocked by like time does and here we are. Five days of medicine behind us. Five days of four hour delays for feeding my littlest. Five days of random, mostly innocuous side effects. And now it’s finished.

I’ve also had five days of stretches. Five days of getting stronger. Five days of increased duration of stretches. Five days of increased mobility. I can’t quite tell any difference in the regular day to day things, but I’ve gained marked improvements in the stretches themselves. 10 seconds became 30. 7 squats became 2 sets of 8. Chris says he has noticed a difference. I’m just gonna keep doing them and see where the progress takes me.

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All the simple things you revel in.

I didn’t realize how much I’d resent taking this medication. Not because it’s putting toxins in my own body, which I’m less than okay with as well. But because it keeps me from nursing my boy.

It’s only a four hour delay. It’s only for five days. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But it is. Because now suddenly I feel taken from him. Now I feel inferior to who I was yesterday. Now I feel poisonous to him. And that part really fucking sucks.

The optimistic side of me says “It’s giving me the opportunity to connect with him in new ways!” and “Now I can appreciate what I had been taking for granted!” and that’s all well and good (and true), but it doesn’t stop it from sucking.

So today I will honor the Silver Lining Girl (because damnit, how can you not?! She’s annoyingly infectious.) and I will also embrace the suck.

And L and I will do our regular Friday tidying and cleaning. And we’ll run to the window and wave when we hear the trash truck. And we’ll take a trip to the store for diapers. And I’ll make it a day that he doesn’t know was any different.

Doing the unstuck.

Nothing particularly terrible happened yesterday. I had moments of agitation with my daughter. She has this way of crawling under my skin and shaking my calm. Her words often feel accusatory instead of curious. She questions every action I take, down to how I’ve oiled a pan. She constantly tells her 20mo brother to stop doing things not even mildly dangerous and warns “be careful” ad nauseum. She tells her 10yo brother that he’s dumb for doing or thinking something and whines over and over to leave her alone.

And I want all of it to not hurt so much.

Being critical of her for doing all these things is not going to teach her to stop being critical. Setting a good example hasn’t seemed to help. Ignoring these things and praising the good hasn’t seemed to do much. I want her to care, but I can’t make her care. I want her to be kind, but I can’t force her to do it. So, I’m just at a loss. Which leads me to yesterday.

Nothing terrible happened. It was a regular day. With regular interactions. And I navigated through the best I could.

Then last night Chris asked me, “What was a way you overcame something today?” And I thought back to all the things that happened and I couldn’t think of one productive way I overcame anything. I mean, there was nothing *wrong* with anything I did, but also nothing felt particularly right. I got through it and how I did it was unremarkable.

This morning as the gloom and hormones of the day tried to take hold, I decided I wanted to have a more fulfilling answer if Chris asked again. Hell, even if he *didn’t* ask again! So instead of focusing on my standstill with my daughter or all the things that didn’t get done this week, I just started doing stuff.

I cleaned both bathrooms and washed towels and stripped the beds and brought all the linens downstairs to be washed. I drank four glasses of water and made an amazing late breakfast and cleaned all the dishes from the day. I played ball with L and fed all the animals and cleaned off the dragon’s cage, which always collects all the stuff.

Today I overcame the gloom by replacing my destructive thoughts with constructive action.

Simon says : Sometimes sleep is impossible.

I did finally get some sleep. After being up all night Tuesday, I got the most amazing hour and a half of sleep Wednesday morning. It doesn’t sound like much, but what it lacked in quantity, it more than made up for in quality.

Then last night, despite going to bed a bit late and then Baby Thing waking to eat a couple times, I eventually got a solid three and a half or so hours. It’s taking its toll on me though. Everything feels just a little off. A little too…much.

I made good food choices today. And I made good eating choices. It hurts though. It’s mentally taxing and physically painful to keep choosing not to eat when I’m not hungry. I know it’s in part the devastating lack of sleep. But I know it’s the eating disorder too. I haven’t had disordered thoughts today–I’ve ignored them all so far. I never let them have voices. But I feel their presence nonetheless. And I’m tired.

I ate at…I dunno…5 maybe? And I ate plenty. But I never stopped being hungry. I never stopped wanting just a little more. It’s almost 10pm now and I’m wrestling my options. I don’t want another night of eating way too late for comfort. But also it’s been five hours since I last ate¬†and the next meal seems too far away if I don’t eat now.

And there it is. Because no matter how reasonable that is, it’s the eating disorder talking. So I’ll just sleep instead. Goodnight Simon.

Simon says: Day 2

I’ve been up since 6:20am. Baby ate and then played in his bouncer. I got to snuggle in bed with Thing Two for a good long while. This warms my heart and today it’s the thought that fills my mind instead of entertaining the idea of snacking. Cause I’m underslept and exhausted and cranky, and snacking is the go to. But these 30 days are about building a healthier lifestyle and making good decisions for myself. This isn’t immediate gratification. This is big picture.

I wasn’t hungry enough to eat a whole meal when I first woke up, nor did I want to eat if it wasn’t a whole meal. I finally ate around 8:30. No electronics. But a fussy baby on my lap. I left one burger, but by the end of the meal, I was getting full and finished the potato anyway. My brain kinda went into panic mode and Baby Thing was screaming and, man, I can really see why no distractions is important for mindfulness.

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Now it’s 11am and I’m hoping the babe will sleep so I can pass out.

3pm
Babe didn’t want to sleep at 11:30, so I made food for myself and figured we’d go out after I ate.

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I couldn’t take all the exhaustion though and I chose to listen to netflix while I ate. After I ate, I made one last ditch effort for the baby to sleep. Hurray!! That finally did the trick! He finally passed out and we slept from 11:45ish til 2:45!!! What a relief!

Then I ate at 3:45.

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Around 6:30 the Cat in the Hat and I were going to go out. I made a small snack because I knew we’d be going out for a good few hours.

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I had almond butter on the apple slices.

We got back and I made dinner and finally ate again at 9:45. It’s our tradition to watch The West Wing and eat dinner and ice cream. I stayed mindful while eating and nixed the ice cream.

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I had a few moments today when I got a little antsy with food or wanted to snack or just was anxious in general and would have normally used food to quell that. I did what I had to do anyway though to be succussful. Bring on tomorrow!